London, England - Duchess Kate has been put on notice to mind her place, and mind her manners, now that Prince William has returned to military duty.
Queen Elizabeth herself informed the shocked newlywed that she is "as common as dirt" and is not welcome to take meals or have anything to do with the royal family.
"I made you a duchess, but you're still just a little guttersnipe. You will always be common scum. Get out of my sight." said the queen to the weeping bride.
"I bet you thought you could just waltz into the palace and think we would accept you--you bloody little serf!" cackled the queen. She slapped the raven-haired beauty across the face for good measure, and went to inform her staff about how to treat "the common little trollop".
"She is to take meals with the servants, if they accept her." ordered the queen. "She is to never, ever look anyone in the royal family in the eyes. She is to show the greatest respect to us at all times. And don't let her touch anything with her filthy peasant hands!" said the queen with great distaste and revulsion.
Duchess Kate did the only sensible thing. She dried her tears and went up to her bedroom to pack her clothes.
"I'm out of here! I can't deal with these psychos! I'm moving to America! Everyone is crazy there too, but at least they aren't snobs!"