Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Sunday, 1 May 2011

image for Honeymoon ROW! Camilla sent 'To Knock Heads Together'. Not just a pretty face.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the titles mean they now own the whole of Cambridgeshire, had their first 'royal row' on Saturday soon after taking to the air in one of The Queen's maroon Sikorsky helicopters.

The Duchess of Cambridge apparently reacted in an unladylike fashion when William revealed during the flight where they'd be spending their honeymoon - 'in the English county of Cambridgeshire'. It seems Kate had been expecting the location to be...to be, 'somewhere other than the English county of Cambridgeshire'.

Prince William had wrongly assumed his new wife would want to spend the first couple of weeks of married life in their very own county. He found out she did not.

Having arrived at the secret Cambridgeshire location Kate demanded to be given a single room away from William and telephoned her parents in tears telling them she feared the marriage was over. William went off to have a little cry by himself in the gardens.

When news of the row got back to The Queen she immediately asked Prince Philip to have a few words with Kate, to explain to Kate how she would never fit in with the family by always moaning about every little thing. Prince Philip wasn't really feeling up to making a trip to Cambridgeshire as he was still suffering a stomach upset from having 'eaten something not right' at the wedding, though the effects of the ouzo had worn off enough by then for him to realize action had to be taken immediately if there was to be any chance of saving the marriage. Luckily he knew what was required, and so he telephoned The Duchess of Cornwall telling her to 'get her backside down to Cambridgeshire straight away to knock some sense into the silly pair'.

Camilla shot off in the same Aston Martin William had driven Kate to Clarence House in from Buckingham Palace on Friday afternoon - still with the decorations Harry had tied to it. The Duchess of Cornwall kept her speed down in the capital but then stuck her foot down on the gas as soon as she reached the M11, quickly zooming through the Essex countryside then on into the county of Cambridgeshire (now owned by William and Kate). She arrived at the secret location at around eight o'clock Saturday evening. Camilla didn't even take the time to brush her hair following the speedy, and breezy journey there in the open-topped Aston Martin. Not surprisingly her hair was by then looking like the head of an old mop of course. In her rush to confront the couple Camilla didn't wait for the tall iron gates at the entrance of the mansion to be unlocked but instead climbed over it then dashed towards the house along the stone pathway. A guard standing at the front door pointed a thumb towards the garden saying to Camilla, "He's in there ma'am talking to the coy carp in the pond all by himself."

Unbeknown to the guard though Kate had observed Camilla's arrival from a window of her room and had made her way to the gardens. So when Camilla arrived in the gardens both William and Kate were there. Looking up from the pond William turned to Camilla, and in between sniffles said to the Duchess of Cornwall, "Tell THAT woman how this wedding has already cost more than the taxpayers of MY country can afford to spend without us splashing out even more on a fancy honeymoon abroad"

On hearing what William had said Kate responded by saying to Camilla,
"Tell THAT man from me that what i'm mostly annoyed about is that he didn't tell me I was to spend my honeymoon in Cambridgeshire until I was up in the air in his mother's helicopter."

"She doesn't think Cambridgeshire is good enough for her," came back William more loudly than before, then raised the temperature further by adding, "Tell her this country's FUTURE KING thinks this country's FUTURE QUEEN is being very disrespectful to the people of this county by not being grateful for having been made Duchess of this fine county of Cambridgeshire."

"Tell the future King of this country that this woman may decide she doesn't want to be it's future Queen if this is the way he's going to treat her"

And so they continued. Poor Camilla, finding herself placed into the middle of the two of them and being expected to sort it out. Sometimes Camilla must wonder whether it's all worth the effort given the way large sections of the British public continue to hate her guts and throw railings at her and her husband's limousine when they're simply on their way to a see a show in London.

"Shush, shush, shush, the pair of you" ordered Camilla, and then told them sternly, "Now this is what we're going to do. William is going to go back to work for a few weeks to put some well needed space between the two of you. During that time I'll sort out somewhere abroad where the pair of you will then spend your official honeymoon. That nice man Mr Branson has a couple of Caribbean islands i'm sure he'll let you stay on without charge for a couple of weeks so it won't cost the taxpayers anything. Failing that I'll pay for the pair of you to have a couple of weeks abroad somewhere out of my own purse."

So that's what's going to happen. Sir Richard Branson is being approached about making one of his islands available for the honeymoon. He owes a couple of favors for having been given his knighthood apparently. Let's hope Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall doesn't find herself being ordered to swim out to one of the Branson islands to sort out any more arguments between the newlyweds. If so she could find out that being a pretty face isn't enough in that family. Being a pretty strong swimmer can come in handy as well. What a family!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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