With others unwilling to continue with phone hacking the duty was left to me. The sensational results will cause an outcry among readers of the 'News of the World' who missed this story.
'I say Harry, Grandad here. Do you think if I wore a mask your firend Pippa would let me wipe my bum with her toilet roll?'
'I'll see what I can do.'
Some time later:
'Sorry Grandad. She says it may be May Day but you may not. She doesn't want to dance around your maypole.'
'You weren't supposed to tell her it was me.'
'I just said it was my eldest relative.'
'You messed that one up Harry. I just wanted to go out with a bang!'