High Definition television and multiple close-up camera angles have given the world's leading lip reading expert unprecented access to note and reveal everything the Royals and their guests said at the Royal Wedding.
Here's her exclusive report on who said what...
Very young bridesmaid in car: Mummy, what are those? Duchess of Wessex: They're smelly oiks darling, come away from the window, you'll only encourage them.
David Beckham: Fergie looks dog rough. Victoria Beckham: But I fort she wasn't allowed here? David : Nah, I mean Sir Alex. He musta started early on the Glenfiddick...
[On seeing Kate Middleton approaching them down the isle] Prince Harry: Corrr, top tottie. You would wouldn't you? Prince William: I am. And I will. The sister's yours though, but not now, you twat.
Prince William:You look beautiful. Kate Middleton: Thanks. Your bald spot's getting worse. Have a word with Elton later and get the name of his transplant clinic.
The Queen: Strewth what a pong! Has one let one let orf again Phillip?
Prince William: [on the balcony to Kate]: Well that's the kiss done. The plebs are baying for more. I suppose a blow-job's out of the question?
Prince Harry [on the balcony to William]: Right! That's the crap over with, let's go inside and get rat-arsed. I can't wait to have a crack that sister-in-law of yours.
LOOK OUT for further gob-smacking, lip-reading Royal Revelations.....only in TheSpoof!