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Monday, 11 December 2006

Characters:

Will - Eric McCormack
Grace - Debra Messing
Jack - Sean Hayes
Karen - Megan Mullally
Lucus - (not cast) young, handsome, relatively straight acting character, with an Australian accent.
Usher - (not cast) around 30 yrs old, perhaps, Asian or South American background.
Doctor ? (not cast) around 50 yrs old, balding, fat.
Nurse #1 ? (not cast) early twenties, very pretty.
Nurse #2 ? (not cast) early twenties, very pretty.


Scene One

[Will, Grace, Karen and Jack are sitting together at the coffee shop. Will is sipping coffee reading a newspaper, Grace is reading and opening mail, Jack is reading a Cleo magazine, and Karen is filing her nails. Grace is wearing an orange and lime swing top with a black mini skirt and knee high boots]

Jack: With all the cosmetic surgery these days, celebrities are beginning to all look the same. [Showing Will a photograph in the magazine] Now is that Diane Weist or Diane Keaton?

Will: [Nods] Yeah, that would be Jack Nicholson.

Jack: [Looking confused] Never heard of her.

Grace: [Excitedly and suddenly] Oh my god?Guess who?s coming to New York?

Karen: [Bouncing up and down on her chair with excitement] Oh, honey, let me let me?I love these games. [She places a finger to her lips while she thinks] Is it Al Jolson?

Grace: Karen, Al Jolson?s been dead for years.

Karen: [Returns to filing her nails with legs crossed, shaking her head] Oh, honey, so are the 70?s. But you still insist on reviving them every morning when you open your closet.

[Jack and Karen laugh and Will smirks behind his paper]

Jack: Yeah, Grace, whats with that. You look like a character out of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Fag-Hagged Me.

[Everyone laughing except Grace who gives a sarcastic chuckle]

Karen: [Laughing hysterically, then to Jack] Oh, honey, that?s a good one.

Grace: Very funny coming from Mommy Dearest [pause] and Karen. [Long pause then happily] No my second cousin Lucus is coming. He?s been backpacking around Australia for three years and wants to see me before he goes to college. I?m so excited! I haven?t seen him since he was knee high to a?.[thinks for a moment] argh, some sort of insect.

Will: [Pauses for a moment] That?s great sweetie. I?m so happy for you. I truly believe staying in touch with family is really the key to long lasting happiness. [Pause, before going back to his newspaper] Well, at least that?s the way I felt before my adulterist, home-wrecking father destroyed any ideals I had about long term relationships by leaving my mother a quivering mess and shacking up with his whore of a mistress.

Jack: [Looking bewildered] Hold the phone! I?m confused. You refer to your cousins by rank. [Begins stroking his chin] Interesting?

Grace: [Looks dumbfounded] No, you boob. Lucus is my cousin Fiona?s son. Making him my second cousin.

Jack: [Nodding as if he completely understands] You?ve lost me.

[Grace goes to explain again and Will stops her]

Will: Grace, you should know by now that trying to explain anything to Jack while he?s reading a magazine with a front cover feature of ?Top Ten Tummy Tucks of Tinseltown?, is a total waste of time. His attention span is reduced to less than that of a dung beetle?s.

Jack and Karen: [Both giggling like little girls] Will said ?dung?.


Scene 2

[Will is in his apartment, in the kitchen cooking a meal. Jack is in Will?s bedroom]

Jack: [Comes bursting out of Will?s room and stand in front of the mantle with arms spread] How do I look? And bear in mind that the outfits yours so I?m already aware of it being three sizes too big.

Will: [Not amused by the comment] You look fine. [Starts stirring a pot] Now do you think you could help me by setting the table for dinner?

Jack: [Looks shocked, approaches the kitchen bench with hand on hips] Excuse me, Will Truman, do I have ?Slave? tattooed on my forehand?

Will: No, that would be Rosario.

Jack: Exactly, so I will thank you not to boss me around.

Will: [Looking sarcastically apologetic] Oh I?m Sorry, I mistakenly assumed by giving you my clothes, food and money for all these years, you would one day do me a favour.

Jack: [Laughing] Well that was pretty stupid of you, wasn?t it? [Pause] By the way, I?m afraid that I unfortunately can not bless you with my presence for dinner tonight. I have plans with Karen.

Will: What have I told you about teasing homeless people at the shelter with leftover KFC?

Jack: [Laughs sheepishly] No, we did that last week. [Laughs a little] Its amazing though, what some people will do for a bit of second grade meat. Now I know where Steven Spielberg got his prop ideas from for ?Jurassic Park? [makes a chomping action with his mouth]

Will: [Nodding but speaking sarcastically] Yeah, you know its also where he got his idea from for ?Memoirs of a Geisha?.

Jack: [Nods in agreement] Tonight, Karen?s taking me to the theatre.

Will: [A little jealous] Oh, really? I love the theatre. What are you seeing?

Jack: It?s ?The Hours: The Musical?. [Nodding] Yeah, Barbara Streisand is playing the role of Virginia Wolf?s nose. It should be great, I can?t wait.

Will: A musical version of ?The Hours?? I can?t believe they found a way to stretch that storyline out another 3 hours.

Jack: Yeah, Times Magazine review said they hand out little bags of speed during the intermission to stop you from falling asleep. [Nods then takes a bottle of water from the refridgerator] Anyhoo, why are you cooking up a storm, Pa Kettle? You gonna drown your single sorrows in a high carb meal tonight while watching Matthew Fox on ?Lost??

Will: [Stops stirring the pot and goes to the sink to wash a dish] No, Jack. [Then a little enthusiastically] Grace has gone to the airport to pickup Lucus, and since he has been backpacking for the past three years I though it might be nice to cook him a home cooked meal.

Jack: You mean a homo cooked meal? [Will smiles. Jack begins rubbing his temples and looks suspicious] Wait, am I getting a little vibe here?

Will: What?

Jack: [Jumps suddenly] Sarah Jessica Starker, you?re hoping for a hottie?

Will: [Furious] Don?t be stupid, you, Sissy Psychic. He?s only twenty-one for god?s sake [Pauses then says more disappointedly] And totally straight from what Grace says.

Jack: [Seems bored] Well, Grace?s gaydar?s been spot on in the past, hasn?t it? Lets face it, the gal wouldn?t know a fag if they fell on her? [Pauses] Oh, wait a minute, one did. [Pointing and laughing at Will]

Will: [Looks disapproving again] Laugh it up, Charlie Brown Eye. [Pause] It wouldn?t make any difference anyway, I?m old enough to be his?brother.

Jack: [Nods and walks to the door and opens it to leave] Yeah, brother right. And your mother must have been a post-menopausal Russian woman who gave birth when she was 65.

[Scene ends with Jack exiting through the door, shutting it behind him]


Scene 3

[Jack and Karen are at the theatre. They are sitting front row on the top balcony]

Jack: [Excited] Oh, Karen, thanks so much for taking me to the theatre.

Karen: [Smiles] That?s okay Poodle, I know how you love the Arts.

Jack: I?m just so excited about finally seeing this show. Its had rave reviews from all the gay media: [Counting on each finger] The One Nighter News, The Closet Column, Hos and Homos?[Karen nods] Arent you just so excited? I?m excited! Are you excited, Karen?

Karen: [Nods and smiles] Oh, honey, of course I?m excited. I?ve taken 30 Prozac and some of Rosie?s heart medication that was banned by the FDA in 1992. I?m so off my tits I could be at a 5 year old?s dance recital and still have a good time.

Jack: [Holds Karen?s hand and smiles at her] Oh Karen, I love how you always know how to set the mood.

Karen: [Brushes Jack?s cheek with a finger] Oh, look its starting.

Jack: [Excitedly] Great!

[The lights dim as the show is about to start]


Scene 4

[Will is setting the dinner table. He is wearing very tight black leather pants and a tight woven top. He places three wine glasses down, steps back and looks at them, and then moves them slightly, steps back again to look, then puts them back in the original position]

Will: [To himself] Why do I ever doubt myself?

[Grace enters the apartment]

Will: [Turns to Grace] Where is he? I thought you went to pick up Lucus from the Airport?

Grace: Keep your pants on, Cujo. [Pauses and looks at Will] Actually, take them off, they?re hideous.

Will: What? You told me you loved these pants.

Grace: [Approaching Will] I lied. [Goes to the kitchen bench] I?ll finish up here, you go change. Lucus is downstairs tipping the taxi driver, he should be here any minute.

Will: [Walking to his bedroom ] I wore these on four dates, and you only just tell me now that they?re awful. [Will has entered his bedroom to get changed]

Grace: [Grabbing a salad bowl] I would of thought after four rejections you would have worked it out for yourself.

[Knock at the door. Grace runs over to open it. Lucus enters wearing a flannel shirt, jeans and a straw cowboy hat and carrying a small black bag]

Lucus: [Walking through to the lounge] Aunty Grace, I thought you were going to change a five so you could tip the taxi driver?

Grace: [Looking surprised] Oh, [pause] we don?t do that in New York anymore. [Pause, Lucus looks confused] Yeah, umm, its forbidden by law. [Grace shows him to the sofa and takes his bag] I?ll put your bag in my room. Do you mind sleeping on the couch while you?re here?

Lucus: Mind? A couch is like the Waldorf after some of the places I slept while backpacking.

Grace: [Walking to her room] That?s what I thought, [pause] but my mother certainly didn?t feel that way when she stayed here last. [Pauses] Some people are so ungrateful.

[Grace takes the bag into her bedroom. Lucus is left sitting on the sofa and looking around the apartment]

Lucus: [Loudly] It?s a nice place you have here!

Will: [Entering and approaching the sofa from his bedroom, now in a pair of jeans] Why thankyou, I did it myself. [Will laughs. Lucus is shocked to hear a masculine voice behind him. Will approaches Lucus with an arm extended going to shake his hand] Will Truman. You must be Lucus?

Lucus: [shaking Will?s hand in a very straight and masculine way] Yeah, g?day.

Will: [Stops shaking hands] Oh, an Australian accent. I love accents. I always do a Brittish one whenever I want to annoy Grace. [Will looks a little embarrassed] Did you have a good flight?

Lucus: As good as a 28 hour flight can be, I guess. [Smiling]

Grace: [Exiting her bedroom and entering the living room] Oh good, you?ve met. And Will I told Lucus you were a poof on the way back from the airport, so you don?t have to try acting all straight.

Will: [Hands on hips] Grace, I am naturally a straight acting man. [Notices a smell coming from the kitchen ] Oh, no, my honey glazed ham is burning. [Runs to the kitchen and grabs the oven mitts]

Grace: Yeah, that?s not the only thing that?s flaming.

Scene 5

[Will, Grace and Lucus are sitting on the sofa together after eating their meal]

Grace: So anyway, I used a rubber sheet and faux fur cushions and that was the finishing touches to Liza?s bathroom makeover. [Giggles then snorts. Embarrassed she picks up her wine and sips it quietly]

Will: [Topping Lucus? wine glass up] So, Lucus, how was Australia? I?ve always wanted to go there.

Lucus: [Picks up his wine glass and takes a sip] Its beautiful?And I?m not just talking about the women.

[Everyone laughs]

Grace: [Pinching Lucus? cheek] Oh, my little Lukey Dukey all grown up. Gosh it feels like only yesterday I was babysitting you while your mother was in court fighting allegations that she was a crack whore.

Lucus: [Smiles] Yeah, I know. I remember. I still have the dints in the my forehead from the time when you hugged me while you were wearing your metal scoliosis brace. [Rubs his forehead a little]

Grace: [Nodding] Yeah, a lot of foreheads got dinted during that time.

Will: [Changing the subject] So, Lucus, did you see any kangaroos while in Australia? Do they really hop around the city like they do in the books?

Lucus: No, but I did see quite a few. I went to this Jackeroo school that teaches riding horses and mustering cattle, and even how to tackle and capture a kangaroo.

Grace: [Astounded] Wow, [Pause] that sounds delicious.

[Lucus smirks and Will rolls his eyes]

Lucus: We didn?t eat it Aunty Grace.

Grace: [Looks embarrassed and then laughs jokingly] Well, I most certainly hope not. [Takes another sip of wine]

Lucus: [Putting his wine glass on the coffee table] Sorry to be a party pooper, but I?m am so bushed, I think I?ll have to hit the hay.

Grace: [Looking puzzled then realises] Oh, you mean go to bed. That?s ok sweetie. I?ll get some sheets and blankets and make up your bed. [Pause] Will?

Will: [Standing up and walking to his bedroom to get the linen] Sorry, Grace, I forgot you were born with the inability to do?[pause] anything.

Lucus: I really appreciate you letting me stay here Aunty Grace. [Lucus stands up and walks over to Grace and kisses her on the forehead] Goodnight.

Grace: [Smiling] Goodnight Lucus.

Scene 6

[Jack and Karen are sitting watching the show. They both look very bored]
Jack: Gosh, Karen, how many hours has this show been going for?

Karen: [Looks at her watch] Let me see, it started at 20:00 in 24 hour time. So subtract 12 from 20 makes it.. [both Karen and Jack look puzzled, then Karen realises] that would make it 8 o?clock, [pause] so the show?s been going for [pause] 15 minutes.

Jack: [slumps] Argh, its so boring. I will never trust another gay review again.

Karen: Honey, I know. There?s not enough drugs in the whole of Mexico and Columbia combined to make this play interesting.

Jack: Well, how about we spice things up by dry humping on the that giant Tony Award while you cry out your ?When Harry met Sally? orgasm scream?

Karen: [Nodding] I don?t know Jackie. I think the ushers will be prepared for it this time. I saw some of them walking around before with machine guns.

[Jack looks disappointed]

Karen: But [pauses] how about we blow this craphole and go back to my place. We?ll get Rosie to whip us up a couple of Cosmos and we?ll sit out by the terrace and fire some staff, you know, just for fun.

Jack: Ok, but first I?ll have to excuse myself to the little girl?s room for some important business. [Pauses. Stands to exit] I haven?t managed to get to the gym this week, so I have to vomit what I ate for dinner before the fat joules start to take hold.

[Karen nods. Jack exits]

Scene 7

[Jack returns to the balcony. Karen is not there]

Jack: [Looking around, behind curtains and under chairs] Karen? Are you hiding? [Pause, looks concerned] Karen? Where are you?

[Jack exits and returns to the foyer where he approaches an usher]

Jack: Ah excuse me my little lower class friend, have you seen my companion Karen Walker. I went to the little girl?s room to tinkle and ended up in the little boy?s room getting a little twinkle, if you know what I mean [laughs and winks]

Usher: Karen Walker?

Jack: Yeah, she?s about yah high, brown hair, a set of jugs on her like a walrus and talks like a strangled cockatoo getting a vasectomy.

Usher: [Nods but looks upset] I?m sorry to tell you this, sir, but we found Ms Walker on the floor of the balcony, dead. An ambulance came and took her away about half an hour ago.

Jack: [Furious] What? [Pause] She wasn?t dead. She was just doped up on South American prescription pills and hospital grade rubbing alcohol. That combined with the boredom of the show, anyone would appear dead.

Usher: I?m sorry sir, but she was lying face down on the floor, as stiff as a board.

Jack: You listen here, the only thing stiff around here was me, and that was over 20 minutes ago. [He bites his fist] Now I demand you to tell me where she is this instant.

Usher: We thought she was dead, sir. They took her to the hospital.

Jack: [Hand over his mouth with shock] The hospital?

Usher: Yes, sir, the County General.

Jack: [Shocked] Oh my Gayfather. [Does the religious sign of the cross with his hand. Points at the Usher] You had better pray that she is dead. Because if Karen Walker wakes to find herself in a public hospital, there?ll be hell to pay.

[Jack rushes out the room]

Scene 8

[Will?s bedroom. Its dark, but there is enough light to see that Will is sleeping in his bed. Lucus enters the room, walks slowly and quietly to the side of Will?s bed. Will has an eye mask on his face. The eye mask has little butterflys on it. Lucus leans over and starts to kiss Will on the mouth. At first Will embraces Lucus and they begin to kiss passionately, but as Will wakes from slumber and realised what is happening, he removes his eye mask and pushes Lucus away, extremely shocked and panting heavily]

Will: What are you doing?

Lucus: Kissing you. [Pauses then goes in to kiss Will again. Will pushes away]

Will: I can?t believe this, you?re gay?

Lucus: [Looks completely calm] No, I?m not gay.

Will: Oh [Pauses and composes himself] So, you?re tongue accidently fell half way down my throat. C?mon.

Lucus: Okay, I?m gay. Now lets get it on. [Goes in to kiss Will again]

Will: [Pushing Lucus away again] Wait, I can?t do this. Not with Grace in the next room. Not with her totally oblivious to any of this. I?d feel like I was lying to her.

Lucus: What does it matter? I ain?t into her.

Will: Ahh, yeah, and she?s also your cousin.

Lucus: [Shrugs] Yeah, that too. [Notices Will looks upset] Look, Will, what should it matter to Grace. You?re her best friend, why wouldn?t she want you to have some fun? She?s not that selfish, is she?

Will: [Contemplates the question for a moment] Hmm. You really don?t know her all that well do you.?

Lucus: Will, I like you, you?re a hot guy. I think you like me. So its pretty simple really. We?re just two hot guys who want to get it on. So lets do it.

Will: [A little excitement in his voice] You think I?m hot? [Lucus nods] Well, when you put it that way [Will goes in and Lucus and Will start to kiss passionately again]

[In the lounge room, Grace is scene staggering through the dark exiting the bathroom. She walks right past an empty couch and into her room. Several seconds pass then Grace comes running back out. She stares at the empty couch, looking confused, then turns and looks towards Will?s room, then back at the couch, then back at Will?s room. She looks totally confused and then it dawns on her]

Grace: Oh.

[In Will?s room, Lucus and Will are kissing intensely but suddenly Will stops it again. They look at each other breathing heavily]

Lucus: What?s wrong?

Will: [Looking embarrassed and disappointed] I can?t believe I?m going to say this, but, I can?t sleep with you.

Lucus: [Also looking disappointed] I see.

Will: I mean, I want to. [Looks Lucus up and down] Boy, do I want to. But I have this thing called a conscience. I thought I got rid of it in law school, but it keeps coming back to haunt me. [Pauses] Much like Oprah Winfrey?s weight problems. [Looks at Lucus and grabs his hand] I?m sorry.

Lucus: That?s okay. [Pauses] Besides, I got laid by the cute flight attendant on the way back from Australia, anyway.

[Grace suddenly comes barging through the door]

Grace: [Hysterical] How could you? [She notices Will and Lucus sitting on the bed, fully clothed, talking, and realises she made a big mistake, so tries to cover it up] Leave the toilet seat up, I almost fell in, again.

Lucus: [Turns to looks at Grace. Will does not look amused by Grace?s ambush] Sorry, Aunty Grace, that was me. I?m used to standing behind a bush and peeing into a hole in the ground.

Will: That?s, okay, Lucus. So is Grace.

Grace: [Embarrassed] That was one time in Central Park, and there were no toilets around.

Scene 9

[Jack enters the morgue with a doctor and two nurses. Its cold with lots of stainless steel drawers and benches. There are 6 trolleys lined up along the wall with bodies and sheets over them. One of the bodies is moving slightly under the sheet. Jack runs over and throws off the sheet to reveal Karen sleeping soundly]

Jack: Karen? [Starts shaking her] Karen wake up?

Karen: [Opens her eyes] Oh, Jackie, I was having the most wonderful dream. [The doctor and nurses join Jack by the side of the trolley] It was the 70?s and I was at a party and everyone was so off their face you?d swear they were dead. And you were there [Points at the doctor who looks shocked] and you were there [points at one of the nurses]

Jack: Karen, that wasn?t a dream. You?re in a morgue.

Karen: [Sits up and looks around] A morgue. [Laughs a little] That would explain why no one was willing to give up any of the good stuff.

Jack: [Annoyed] Its true Karen. You passed out at the theatre and they thought you were dead. [Karen looks shocked now. Jack nods] Apparently your pulse was undetectable and you had a blood alcohol reading high enough to fuel a Formula One racing car.

Doctor: Its true Mrs Walker. If you friend here hadn?t come rushing all the way over to the hospital, you would have ended up being sent down to embalming. You?re very lucky. [Doctor and nurses begin to walk away] Next time, you might not be so lucky. [Doctor and nurses exit]

Karen: [Looks upset] Oh Jackie. You really looked out for me tonight. I don?t know how I could ever repay you.

Jack: [Nods and smiles] Well, Kar, if you can?t rely on your closest friends to come all the way down to County General to drag you out of the morgue, then who can you count on.

Karen: [Jack helps Karen off the trolley, Karen still clutching her Prada handbag] Meanwhile, I don?t know what all the fuss is about dying. If you ask me, the morgue is a very friendly, warm place to be.

Jack: [Jack and Karen begin walking to the exit] Well, Karen, the décor is very similar to that of your bedroom.

Karen: [Nods. Jack and Karen walk away, you can see their backs] By the way Jackie, what hospital did you say we were at?

Jack: [Suddenly frightended, points to distract Karen] Oh look, there?s David Hasselhoff going in for another tummy tuck. [Runs towards the exit to get away from Karen]

Scene 10

[Will, Grace and Lucus are sitting on Will?s bed. Lucus is in the middle]

Grace: Lucus, honey, why didn?t you just tell me you were gay. You know I wouldn?t judge you. I mean, Will told me he was gay and I was engaged to him. [Will nods]

Lucus: I don?t know Aunty Grace. I mean, I would have told you eventually. I guess I was just waiting for the right time.

Will: [Emphasising ?you?] Yes, and the right time to tell me people, Lucus, is when you are ready.

Grace: [Nodding] That?s right.

Lucus: Well, I think I?ve been ready for a long time.

Grace: Then the first person you should tell is your mother. And don?t worry, Lucus, we are all here to support you, including you mom. Sure it might take her some time to adjust..

Lucus: [Interrupting Grace] Mom already knows. I told her years ago.

Grace: [Shocked, mouth open gob smacked] What?

Lucus: I told her before I graduated. She?s totally cool with it. Why do you think she suggested I come visit you. All she ever talks about is you and your desperate and dateless homo-husband Will. Actually, that?s all the family talk about [Both Will and Grace look at each other shocked] Yeah, she said she wanted me to get laid before coming home ?cos small town fags are so pretentious.

Will: [Gets up off the bed and begins to walk out of the room] Well, its good to hear its not just New York City people who know I?m a loveless loser.

Scene 11 (End Credits)

[Jack and Karen are sitting at a coffee table at ?Café Jacques? drinking coffee]

Karen: You know, Jackie, being mistaken for a drug overdosed corpse has really been a wake up call for me.

Jack: [Looks curious] How so, Karen?

Karen: Well, its made me think. Maybe its time for a change in my life. Maybe its time I cleaned up my act and turned over a new leaf. Do away with the old bad habits, and start fresh.

Jack: [Stunned] Really Karen? You?re actually considering giving up the booze and drugs?

Karen: [Now her turn to look stunned] Oh Lord no Jackie. What purpose would that prove? [Pause] No, I mean stop wasting my life and hard earned cash on those boring-ass theatre productions.

[Jack nods in agreement]

END

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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