Written by Skoob1999
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Monday, 25 April 2011

image for Interview With A Foul Mouthed Boa Constrictor Fuck Off, I'm Busy.

Billy is a boa constrictor. He lives in a zoo. He doesn't do much, other than lie about on a tree branch all day making it difficult for visitors to spot him. He isn't overawed by fame, and he is a non-smoker.

This is his story:

Reddon: Hello Billy.

Billy: All right mate.

Reddon: So...what's happening?

Billy: Not much.

Reddon: Have you eaten today?

Billy: Nah.

Reddon: The zoo keepers didn't feed you?

Billy: They tried to. I just couldn't be arsed.

Reddon: What do you eat?

:Billy When I'm hungry?

Reddon: Yes.

Billy: Rats usually. Pain in the arse constricting them though. Means I have to actually move.

Reddon: You don't like moving?

Billy: Look mate...I'm a snake innit. I don't mind stretchin' a bit sometimes, but I can't be arsed wiv all that runnin' about malarkey. Not that I actually ever run anywhere. On account of not having any legs and that.

Reddon: Would you like to have legs?

Billy: What for? Legs is a pain in the arse. Them lemurs across the way here...they've got legs...and they can't stop running about. Jumping all over the bleeding shop. Bastards they are. Makes me tired just looking at the buggers. If I had my way, I'd constrict the bleeders one by one. That'd slow 'em down. Bastard things.

Reddon: You don't like lemurs?

Billy: Who does like lemurs? They're a pain in the arse. Do anything for a bit of banana. Stupid they are. Always showing off for the human kids. Makes me wanna puke sometimes.

Reddon How do you feel about human kids?

Billy: What do you think? They come in here all covered in ice cream and chocolate, and wiv a real bad attitude. Then there's their parents...proper Knob heads wiv their 'I Love New York' tee shirts, when they've never been out of Southampton in their lives, and their baseball hats...I'd constrict the fucking lot of 'em if I had my way...

Reddon: You're not keen on people then?

Billy: Are you taking the piss? I fucking hate people. They're forever trying to spot me. There's some right thick fuckers round here mate. I just keep dead still and laugh me arse off inside when Wayne and Shirley squint at the glass trying to spot me. Fucking priceless that is. Watching those muppets is better than anything you'll ever see on the telly.

Reddon: So, which of the zoo animals would you class as friends?

Billy: Friends? None of 'em. They're all arseholes basically. Especially Harold the gay hyena. Fucking barking he is. I seen him once trying to bum a cane toad. Hyenas have no shame anyway...but fucking gay hyenas really are the pits.

Reddon: There must be one of the zoo animals you get along with?

Billy: Bollocks is there! I suppose if push comes to shove, Niall's not to bad though...

Reddon: Niall?

Billy: Yeah, Niall the Nile crocodile. He's not too bad. Spends most of his days chillin' out, sorta lurking about in the water wiv just his eyeballs showin'. I'd love to see him nail one of them bastard lemurs sometime. But even then, he's a bit hyper for my tastes.

Reddon: So who's the coolest animal in the zoo?

Billy: Me. Now fuck off. I needs me beauty sleep...

Reddon: But...

Billy: Listen mate - just fucking do one before I lose me rag and constrict yer...

Reddon: Okay...no problem...

Billy: Twat...

Next week we talk to Gordon the gay chameleon. If we can find him...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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