Written by Inhopeless
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Saturday, 23 April 2011

BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - The Moral Guardians attacked films today after Inhopeless went on a killing spree.

Many spoofers have had suspicions about this all along.

"Hmm..." said Lady Godiva, a spoofer, "He did write a song about killing people and going on dates. Very dark stuff there. I thought it was nothing... but now..."

Other spoofers are as shocked.

"I was trawling through the forums," said Censored, the msysterious spoofer (not to be confused with Censored.). "and Inhopeless has a qoute from 'Heathers'* as his signature. Now, I've seen that, and its about a girl, who likes this guy, and they go around killing the snobby, 'Heathers' group at thier school. Is that a..." I looked away for a second. When I looked back, Censored had disapeared.

West Midlands Police have said that they cannot arrest Inhopeless.

"Sadly, Mr. Hopeless is outside of the West Midlands Metropolitan County," said a spokesman, after word had reached Inhopeless was in New York City.

Already. Inhopeless has racked up several kills.

Moral Guardians are pointing to his case as proof that all films, videogames, TV, and music are the source of evil.

"Look!" said one, holding up a CD. "This album [Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Body Count by From First to Last) has evilness in it. It's loud, has guitars, and lyrics about broken hearts and murdering people for fun."

The spoofing community are worried.

"You know," said Lynton, "he's away from his mother. What if he gets lost?"

What about the lives that he might've ended? Do you not have concern for that?

"The boy has a terrific moral compass," said Ellie James. "Whoever he kills, he kills because a) he's bored, b) to impress some girl, and c) the 'victim' is a bad guy."

We had managed to track down Inhopeless.

"If you really want to know," he said. "Some jackoff stole the Economist off me. Nobody. NOBODY, steals the Economist. I'm hunting him down." He pulled out his notebook. "Dear.. diary... my teen angst bullshit... has a... bodycount. It is six... going on seven now. I've killed six people because they got in my way. And one of them stole my hat."

When asked if this story - this one in front of your eyes - is a sign that he has a murderous mind he said: "I'll kill you if you mention that."

As of press time, the knife in my chest indicates who number seven is.

----

Written by Murder Correspondent, Heather.

*Heathers is a 1989 black comedy about a girl who takes social standings into her own hands with her boyfriend. They fool the FBI.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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