Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 8 December 2006

This week, I spoke with an old friend for the first time in about twenty years. As we talked about the past, different events from our childhoods were brought back to light (ones that were better left in the dark). My wife, who heard much of the conversation, now thinks I'm terrible. My thirteen year old son, who also heard, now thinks me a hero.

You be the judge.

Before I start, maybe I should preface this by saying that I am only relating stories and events that happened with the two of us at church. I won't tell about him going into a Catholic church and pouring red kool-aid into the holy water, as I wasn't there. I won't talk about shooting locusts out of trees with bb guns, tying strings around them, and twirling them around in circles (they make the same noise!), as it was not in church. I also won't talk about the simple things (sliding a hymnal under the butt of someone who was about to sit down), because we did that stuff all of the time.

No, these are some of the real winners. Enjoy!

Scene #1: Two boys in Sunday School class with several other young children, all about 12 or so.

Teacher: "Remember when Jesus was lost from the caravan and his parents had to go back to Jerusalem and find him? He was your age, just 12 years old. What do you think his mother said to him when she found him? How did she react to the situation? How would your mother react to the situation? What do you think she said?"

Me: "JESUS CHRIST!!! Where in the hell have you been!"

I was removed from the class and sent to the clergyman's office.

Immediately after my removal, my buddy answered a similar question with "JESUS CHRIST!!! Do you know how long we've been looking for you?"

I guess he was lonely and wanted to join me.

Scene #2 We're a little younger and sitting in the general children's group meeting (3 through 11).

We're all singing the sound "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town." Yep, pretty boring and stupid!

There are several verses about what things on the bus do, and all are as equally repetitive.

On one verse, we are singing about the teachers on this bus. The verse is supposed to be sung: "The teachers on the bus go shhh shhh shhh, shhh shhh shhh, shhh shhh shhh, the teachers on the bus go shhh shhh shhh, all through the town."

We, however, could not do it that way! Our version, which quickly got us caught and sent to see the clergyman, was obvious. Yep, in a church we sang "The teachers on the bus go shhh shhh it, shhh shhh it, shhh shhh it. The teachers on the bus go shhh shhh it, all through the town."

No, we never did learn our lesson.

Scene #3. We're about 12 or 13 and inside the church on the youth group (12 to 18) night.

We're relaxing in a classroom and hear sounds coming from outside of the window. We sneak closer to it and discover that Donnie and Bonnie, two slightly older kids, are making out in the bushes.

Through the slightly opened window, I make a huge raspberry sound (for those who may not be familiar with that term, it means the sound made when passing gas, breaking wind, an elephant runs under your chair, etc.).

Right after my sound effect, my buddy says, in his most lady like falsetto, "Oh Donnie, that smelled soooo sweet."

We giggled. We ran. We ran to the clergyman's office for sanctuary. He wasn't there. We got beaten to a pulp anyway.

So, you decide...I think I was a normal kid with an overactive sense of humor...you know, the kind who grows up to write Spoof stories!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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