Written by Erskin Quint
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Thursday, 21 April 2011

image for Robert Pattinson Fans: What Type Are You? If your name or names is Robinson, you are evidently not Venezuelan, and may claim no asylum in this tent, wigwam or yurt.

CALLING ALL ROBERT PATTINSON FANS!

WHAT TYPE OF ROBERT PATTINSON FAN ARE YOU?

We're celebrating the upcoming release of Robert Pattinson's hot new movie Water For Elephants - in which he stars with Reese Widdershins - by offering RPatz fans the opportunity to win one of the following RPatz-tastico prizes:

  1. an emery stick
  2. a lucky hare's ear
  3. an artist's impression of David Hemery the athlete on Ingres paper
  4. a photograph of former Dr Who Patrick Troughton
  5. a gold-effect crocodile keyring from Thailand
  6. a photograph of Dick Emery
  7. a copy of "If Music Be The Food Of Love...Prepare For Indigestion" by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich
  8. a mould for making plastic egg cups
  9. an answer to a mystery question
  10. a blank catalogue for filling in when you have something to catalogue
  11. a piece of emery paper

Conditions of entry:

Entrants must be at least 0 years of age and not less than 0. They must be old enough to participate in the postal system or be alerted from a nearby eminence (whether natural or man-made) by means of alpenhorn (they must therefore be in possession of at least one ear and/or a functioning system for detecting and responding to auditory stimuli). Unborn entrants must be accompanied to any prize-giving ceremony by a parent or guardian. Those reared by wolves or goats must be accompanied by a wolf or a goat but not a pack or herd. Bishops will be considered null and void. Venezuelan trade delegations will be deemed to have the same value as a parliament of owls or a bazaar of guillemots, with or without an appended subclause. Powdered water or no powdered water, to be flooded with droughts is a sick joke best kept for exclusive gatherings. If your name or names is Robinson, you are evidently not Venezuelan, and may claim no asylum in this tent, wigwam or yurt. Morris dancing will result in immediate disqualification. Prizes are not transferable. All forms of Venezuelan folk music, in particular the joropo, will be regarded as a form of threat. Crossing the Seven Bridges of Königsberg will not affect the judges' decision.

To grab this Rpatz-fan-tastic chance to win one of our fantasticofabulous prizes, all you have to do is enter our What Type Of RPatz Fan Are You? quiz and tweet your results on Twitter before you begin. Then, if you can look back to the day after the day before the day after yesterday, you will be in the running for an exciting prize!

GET STARTED RIGHT HERE:

BIG HINT: Some questions are cryptic, some are knowledge-based. Each question has been translated from English into 2 other languages. We need the answers PLUS the 2 languages for each question AND a twelve word sentence constructed from the combined letters of the ten answers. Your scores will be used to determine what kind of fan you are.

1. Hoeveel Dollars Egiteko Hogeita Hamar Mila Libera?

2. Apa Kata Benda Kolektif Pou Kloport?

3. Beth Yw Robert Pattinson's Yêu Thích Kim Loại?

4. Hány Kosarat Kann Ein Schwein Tragen In Reykjavik?

5. Colin Welland Es Empassar Sajf Timoleague?

6. Harry Worth Ac Parquetry Canoloesol - Er De Imperfect Sengekammerater?

7. Laula Me A Shepherd's Sleutelbeenderen?

8. En Låda Med Dr Whos? Zeker Niet?

9. La Radice Quadrata De Fast?

10. Kertas Ampelas Yang Menghitam, Iżda Għaliex Huwa Zokra-Tifla Mtaqqba?

DONE ALREADY? WOW! YOU FINISHED IN TWILIGHT-NING SPEED!

Now off you go to TWITTER and join the rest of the idiots TWEETING those ANSWERS to enter the draw for one of our FANGTASTICO prizes!

GOOD LUCK - WE HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED WASTING YOUR LIFE AS MUCH AS WE HAVE ENJOYED HELPING YOU TO WASTE IT!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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