Excuses, excuses! From Rolfo Toiletto, Master of Ceremony for the royal wedding - the editor of "Crack" (magazine devoted to the lifestyles of the aristocracy) managed to secure a list of all those who will not be attending the royal wedding and their excuses. Here are some of them:
Germaine Greer: "I can hardly support my tits these days let alone the drooping institution of marriage."
Sir Les Patterson (Australia's cultural ambassador.): "Pommie bastards were going to put me at a table by myself. What's that all about?"
Bob Monkhouse: "I'm dead, but I'll do my best."
Sir Bob Geldof: "Just becuz dey give me a noithood duzn't mean I have to attend their paarties, duz it?"
J.K.Rowling: "I'll be writing a book on that day just as I was writing a book on the day of the Oscars. I write fifteen hours a day you know, as we have told everybody, repeatedly. That is how it took me seven years to get the first 30 pages of our Harry Potter finished... as we have told everybody, repeatedly. We hope I don't have to say it again. I really, really, reeeeaaaallly hate having to say the same thing over and over and over again. Sometimes I wish I had told Little and Walsh to just piss off with their Willy the Wizard."
Bingu Wa Mutharika (president of Malawi): "I might fart."
Colonel Gadaffi: "Yes, it's true I was very good friends with certain English politicians but I am busy slaughtering my own people at present... with the English weapons they sold me."
George Bush: "It's the culling season. I'll be taking dad to an orphanage in Romania that day. Might call into Balmoral on the way home, but too late for the wedding. Priorities. It's all about priorities. I kinda like to give priorities special attention."
Oprah Winfrey: "I wasn't invited but I thought I would decline anyway in case they changed their minds and needed to fill up a table."
Julian Clary: "They asked me to do bridesmaid, but I'd die if I had to wear purple."
Pope Benedict: "I am afraid I'll be dining with Silvio that day, several members of the Vatican Bank and members of the Regular Grand Lodge of Italy. I will see if we can send somebody down from Edinburgh to represent me."
Satan: "I would love to attend but I have an urgent meeting that day with Gordon Brown, Peter Mandelson, Barrack Obama, David Cameron, my dear, dear friend Tony Blair and some of my representatives in the British publishing and media industries on whom I depend to keep our affairs private. Then, I will be flying off to Rome. I don't have a minute to myself these days."
Maggie Thatcher: "I hate playing second fiddle. History will show I was the real queen of England. Besides, my irritable bowel movement plays havoc with my superior intelligence these days. I cannot explain to you how it gets in the way also of my deep, deep, communion with Saint Francis."
Sir Mick Jagger: "The band is rehearsing our new single that day called "Death to the Establishment". Our manager figures we have to keep alive our reputations as "rebels". Anyway, Keith is bustin' his balls for a knighthood, jealous bastard."
Henry Kissinger: "I am attending a meeting of the Bilderberg Group on that date, but I will always be grateful for the support of the British establishment in securing for me the Nobel Peace Prize which, of course, exonerates me in the eyes of history for my many crimes against humanity."
Idi Amin: "It's a pity I'm dead as I would have loved to be among my own people again. In hell, you miss life's little delicacies like boiled head with dumplings. Adolf feels the same way. But, we'll be back whenever they need us again. We confer regularly with our subjects in the House of Commons, the Whitehouse, and all our other lairs around the planet."