Written by IainB
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Sunday, 17 April 2011

image for The origin of the Intelligently Designed Species These antelope don't taste very nice, I'll invent lions to eat them in case they eat all my chocolate bushes

God woke up one morning, well, it would have been a morning, had he invented them.

"Light!" he said, and so it was. "That's better. I can see where I am going now."

God wanted something different for breakfast on this, he cast around for a new word to describe everything with light in it. He wanted something different for breakfast on this day. That was the word he needed. But what to have? God dressed quickly, only having the one long flowing robe. He popped down a flight of heavenly steps to the kitchenette and started opening cupboards searching in vain for anything to eat.

"Me damn," he said. "This is getting silly. I'm going to have to do something about this."

God looked out of the window. There was plenty of light, but little else.

"I want Coco Pops," God said. "And then a full English breakfast. Now what am I going to need to get that?"

God quickly invented the kitchen table and chair, and sat at it, tapping his teeth.

"I think Coco Pops are made with rice and chocolate," said God. "I think they should so, which means I need a bit of soil and water."

God returned to the window and created water. As the tsunami surged towards his double decker builder's caravan, God gave a little scream of terror that filled the universe with a constant background noise*. Just in time, God remembered to create the land, and the waters broke around his little island.

"Phew."

With a bit of land, God set about inventing rice and cocoa. There was a moment of confusion when God accidentally created cocaine and coffee first, and had to invent three kinds of rice before getting the right one for Coco Pops. There was a bit of time to kill before the rice and chocolate would be ready. Or there would have been, had God created time. Given he would like the rice and chocolate ready for his breakfast, and he was hungry, God held off inventing time until they were ready.

"Breakfast time," said God, eating Coco Pops.

While he was eating God gave some thought to the Full English he was preparing.

"I will call this land I have created England," God said. "This is God's own country. The breakfast I shall create here, is the Full English."

God decided that he would need beans, and invented runner beans, kidney beans and broad-beans before hitting upon haricot beans, Cherry tomatoes, beef and plum tomatoes followed as God invented the perfect tomato sauce for his beans. Potatoes were next, as God invented the hash brown. If time had any bearing on the all-seeing deity, then having to design forty different types of potato would have been a problem. However, the perfect potato was eventually found and sown. There were so many plants already growing on 'England' that God created a few more bits of land so he could grow the other plants, like the potatoes on. The same was true with the oranges he wanted for a drink. He'd tried yellows and greens, but orange was a more appealing colour.

"I have created the plants," said God. "I now need some animals so I can have my bacon, eggs, sausage and black pudding. And while I'm at it, I should think about dinner. I fancy mutton chops."

So God created Yorkshire and filled it with sheep. Goats were an accidental design, until God realised they weren't sheepish enough. Cows and pigs followed, although the first few attempts looked like hippos, elephants and giraffes. Eggs were tricky.

"Which should I create first?" God asked himself.

Eventually, God created the chicken and had it lay eggs, answering an age old philosophical question: Which came first, the chicken or the cow?

Everything was in place, except the black pudding. God realised it was probably best that he didn't know what went into a black pudding, and realised he would need to invent somebody to invent black pudding for him.

"Tricky," said God. "Very tricky."

He needed to design a creature that could create things itself. God designed chimps, bonobos, orang-utan and gorillas before he got it as right as he could after working without sleep or food (beyond a bowl of Coco Pops) for hundreds of millions of no time at all. God quite liked one of his designs for his black pudding creator, and made it the Angel of Coco Pops. "Go forth and make the milk** chocolaty."

Man was invented.

God dragged his new design into the caravan.

"Who are you?" asked the creature.

"God, your creator."

"Ok, what can I do for you, then guv?"

"I'd like a black pudding," said God. "But I don't want to know what's in it."

"I'd like to shag a beautiful woman," said the man. "We don't always get what we want."

Woman was invented. "Yes I do," said God.

"It's going to take some time," said Man, sucking his teeth. "You might be able to design stuff on the fly, but have you seen some of your mistakes? I mean why are those nuts so hard to open? I need to sit down and think about it."

"I'll give you two years," said God. "After I've invented years."

In the end, it took man ten thousand years to perfect the perfect black pudding. However, despite sending his son down to see what was taking the time***, mankind had forgotten what it was designed for.

God looked out of the widow, annoyed that his design had forgotten its mission.

"I'll teach them," he said.

And God created science.



*Scientists would later call this the Cosmic Microwave Background, and mistake it for the echo of the big bang.

** There is no mention where the milk came from, in the same way the bible doesn't mention the village Adam and Eve go to live in came from, despite them being the first people. Just assume the milkman brought it, ok?

*** By this time, mankind had created several other religions, one of which forbade black puddings, and that was where the son was sent. He had to create an entire new religion to get mankind back on track.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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