Written by Pariah
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Sunday, 17 April 2011

image for J.K Rowling to reissue the Harry Potter series for more mature audiences Harry in the exciting wedgie scene from Book 2

In an effort to re-capitalize on the Harry Potter franchise, J.K. Rowling has announced she will rewrite all the series of books with slightly different titles and story-lines to appeal to older readers.

The first book will be called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Get Stoned. In this delightful tale, Harry goes to Hogwarts for the first time and unknowingly finds himself in the middle of a drug cartel led by Professor Albutts Bumpawhore.

In the second book, Harry Potter and the Chamber-pot of Secrets, Harry and Ron sneak into the girls bathroom to secretly plant a magical toilet cam, when they find a used chamber-pot recently used by Hermione. Not only do they find fecal traces...but is that blood? A facinating tale of voyeurism and menstrual cycles.

Book three, Harry Potter and the Price on Her Ass-Grabbin', Harry and Ron find themselves being charged with sexual harassment for trying to cop a feel from Moaning Mertle. The great irony of this story is how one could grab the butt of a ghost in the first place.

In the fourth volume, Harry Potter and The Gobule of Sticky White Stuff, Harry has the most fascinating dream after seeing Cho (aka 'Da Ho). Upon waking, he finds his pants full of sticky white stuff. Could Harry have had a wet dream, or maybe he tried to cast a petronus with the wrong wand.

In the fifth book, Harry Potter and The Odd Hair On The Penis, Harry discovers an unusual brown curly hair in his pants. Could he have accidentally splashed himself with Hermionie's flawed cat tainted polly-juice potion? Maybe he's just hitting puberty really late (after-all he's like 15 or 16 by now).

Book six, Harry Potter and The Half-Assed Plot, involves a segueway of story that really doesn't do anything but tie up some long overdue story lines that have been part of the longer series. One of the most touching moments is when Draco Malfoy comes out of the closet. Actually, him and several dork-eaters.

Book seven, the final story: Harry Potter and the Breathy Swallows brings an end to the saga with a flurish. Hermione and Ron have sneaked out of Hogwarts to get intimate in the dark forest. Harry tries to find them and soon discovers Ron standing by a bush talking dirty to Hermione. But where is Hermione and what is making those odd sucking sounds? You'll love the exciting climax almost as much as Ron!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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