Fresh from the victory of passing the 2012 budget in the U.S. House of Representatives, Congressman Paul Ryan and Congressman Michelle Bachmann took to the steps of the U.S Capitol, calling on Americans to take "bold new steps" to show their support for the Republican-sponsored budget plan.
"This new budget plan is a breath of fresh air," beamed Ryan. "It identifies so-called entitlements for what they really are - crypto-socialist sops that weaken Americans and America. My budget will stop these hazardous "benefits" - Veteran's, Social Security, Medicare and others - once and for all, but not soon enough." That's why today we urge all veterans and seniors, and all those below the poverty line to take the lead by no longer accepting these entitlements that do such grave harm to this country."
"I urge our Seniors not to wait until Medicare benefits to end in 2016 before rejecting these benefits wholesale. As a start, I have arranged for the parents of our Congresspeople and Senators to receive a special pricing plan for health services, through the help of Florida Governor and Health Care expert Rick Scott. Based on the generally healthy condition of the parents of our legislators, health care providers can offer lower end but provider-fair prices for significant health events, including to $2,000 for dehydration, $6,000 for chest pain, and $8,500 for congestive heart failure. These are prices that the Republican National Committee believes you can afford without having to take out a second mortgage on your homes, as if that were possible."
"And for you parents of legislators on the West Coast, Congress can now extend its own medical marijuana benefits, providing discounts on Skunk, Purple Sticky and other strains so important to managing health. And by the way, for those of you who still have day jobs, I am working to include Bubba Kush, which reduces anxiety while still providing clarity. Believe me, it works!"
Fighting to hold back tears, Congresswoman Bachmann took the opportunity to speak directly to her father. "Dad, I know you have sacrificed dearly for this country. As a member of our Greatest Generation, your generosity has shown know bounds. I can think of no greater honor than for you and others to show your abundant generosity one more, and perhaps one last time. For the sake of this country, its younger citizens, and especially myself, I also urge you to stop cashing the Social Security, and Medicare payments that are causing you and America such great harm.
"I know you are probably wondering how you and others can make up the gap in your personal budget without these funds. Dad, it is time to acknowledge your addiction to these so-called entitlements, and realize that there is a job out there waiting just for you."
"In fact, I can think of no greater honor than to have you, my father, work for me, around the house. And I don't mean the House of Representatives. I would much rather pay you $6.00 an hour than say, some ungrateful Guatemalan who wires half the money back home and pays nothing for the privilege of sleeping in my garage. And then whines and begs for a $5,000 advance to pay for some supposed "family ransom." Dad, a cot and three hots are waiting for you in Arlington. "
Bachmann and Ryan were joined on stage by media mogul and economic expert Glenn Beck, who announced his Give Back America campaign. "My patriot friends; the truth is finally coming out. I know that over the years many of you have felt a crushing weight that you assumed was the inevitable effect of poverty, war survival, or poor health. But now it is becoming clear to you, and to all of us -- that weight is not the crush of bad circumstances, but the crush of guilt from living off of the fat of this country for so long.
"Now that the country is no longer fat, now that it is anorexic, I am announcing the Give Back America campaign. Folks, this goes further than refusing handouts in the future; this is about returning to the U.S. government the ill-gotten benefits of the past and turning back towards the fair market values America has abandoned. On Wednesday, April 20, I am asking each and every one of you to deliver from yourselves the burden of your ill-gotten goods, and returning them as your way of saying "No more! We don't want your subsidies and we don't need you! We are ready and willing to pay full market price!"
"Now, I expect the transition to pulling your full weight to be difficult, so I urge you to start small, sending back those smaller items paid for with other American's dollars through our coddling "Commie-care" health system." Those prescription drugs? Back to the pharmacy! Hearing aids? Back to the Sears! Dentures? Back to the dentist!"
Beck then introduced to 70 year old Ken Olsen, his lead fact checker, who began preparing a package addressed to the Veterans Administration in Bethesda, Maryland to apparently demonstrate the ease of participating in the Give Back America campaign. Mr. Olsen placed several items in a U.S. Priority Mail envelope, including his hearing aid, twelve prescription bottles, an upper dental plate, a ninety day supply of contact lens, and a glass eye. "OK, so let's start small," said Beck. "If it fits, it ships! But at my the 4th of July Give Back America rally, I want to see the Lincoln reflecting pond full of the big stuff. Wheelchairs! Crutches! Respirators! Remember America, we can't end entitlements without your support!