Written by Erskin Quint
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Friday, 8 April 2011

image for Robert Pattinson Likes Older Women Such is the cyclic nature of phenomena: these are the quantifiers that our Hell-Realm requires of us.

Twilight luminary Robert Pattinson is very rich. He is very rich because he has earned a lot of money. He has earned a lot of money because he has acted in fillums about sexy star-crossed teen vampires which offer those who don't want to use their imaginations a watered-down and sanitised and dishwater-dull and bastardised version of the Gothic tradition. This, according to commentator Bingo Cashcow-Bimbomountain XIII, who lives in a lucrative fantasy world outside Beverley Hills, wherever - if anywhere (the hot money is on nowhere) - that is, explains everything.

"Basically, this explains everything", Bincow Cashgo-Bimbomountain XIII told us yesterday. "Robert Pattinson is rich because he has earned a lot of money. Usually, within the Hell-Realm that we are currently enduring, richness equates to the possession of large amounts of money. Robert Pattinson is no exception. His vacuousness equates to a large amount of idiocy. These are the quantifiers that our Hell-Realm requires of us, and these are the parameters within which we are forced to operate.

"Now, we are all doomed to wander these Hell-Realms for unaccountably long lengths of time, and to experience all this crap for what will seem like an eternity.

"This is because we are all weak-minded fools who are unable to transcend our bestial natures and attain that subtle energy that might enable us to rise above all this rubbish and really begin to live with that genuine and extraordinary creativity and fecundity that is our birthright.

"It's no coincidence that being is an anagram of begin, is it, now? Or that aragman is an anagram of anagram. Or that anagram is an anagram of agranma. Or that agranma is an anagram of aragman. Where did we begin? Why, with being! Such is the cyclic nature of phenomena.

"For those who have eyes to see", said Bingo Cashmountain-Bimbocow XIII, "the cyclic nature of the phenomenal world is thus revealed in all its true glory.

"And glamour and glory are at the heart of the conundrum within whose convoluted coils we labour, being unable to summon the strength to break free."

Thus spake Binmountain Cashcow-Bimbogo XIII. But we think the old bag is off her plastic tits on cocaine once again. What a load of bollocks, eh, readers?

Fuck that. What is more to the point, Robert Pattinson wouldn't. Fuck that, we mean. If that was a younger woman.

What we are driving at is, that Robert Pattinson is into older women.

He is known to have expressed a fondness for a mature female.

According to the magazine Crustaceans Quarterly, most carcinologists revere Gillaume Rondelet, though he receives little in the way of formal recognition. More to the point in view of Robert Pattinson, he is reported as recently saying "I'm fond of my mother, who is older than me. I'm also quite partial to other women to who I am younger than. Go figure."

He is reported as thus speaking about older women by a source, who is none other than our old friend Gutsi S Vermont, who was upstate at an exclusive sanatorium at the time. We cannot reveal what was the rationale behind this visit to the upstate sanatorium at this time, save that it was a matter of excess in the chin department and was also related to issues with man boobs. Beyond that, we are sworn to secrecy.

But we think that enough has been said to proffer what we might justifiably term a gist.

This, we feel, is to the point.

Whether you get that point, that is up to you. We are not in the spoon-feeding business, where these matters are concerned.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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