As I sit in my armchair sipping at my french wine, nibbling on a danish and watching Shroeder blunder about on the news as i get fellated by a Slovakian slut, I wonder what it means to be European.
The europhiles have grandiose ideas about millitary grandeur and the possible title of 'super-state'; they just want to rival America and stick a proletariat finger up at the Queen.
Then of course on the other side are the europhobics who wear union jack patterned suits, wave american and union flags and turn their nose up at anything that is l'alimentation and not British grub.
But where do the traditionalists, like me, fit in? These are the people who caravan round europe in the summer and ski in the winter. We eat croissants in the morning with our paper and black coffee. We are the people that will wear armani, watch icelandic porn and sit in the hot tub while perusing Ikea catalogues. Yes, where have the good old days gone?
I believe they disappeared up the arse of left meets right, up the urethra of franco-german arrogance and slipped down the gaelic vulva of greasy beureaucracy.
Remember when Britain was the land of hope and glory but France was somewhere to go on holliday? If only it were still like that. Now Europe is the land of hope and Glory and we have no where to go on holliday. Except America I suppose or the middle east but lets not get crazy.
Tattiana Shloebranitchza, my slovakian help is very pro-european. Well you would be if you lived in Slovakia, you need to be part of something bigger if your country is a piece of shit scraped off part of the former soviet union.
Frank Cutler, round my way, reckons that it's 1939 all over again.
"It's the bloody Krauts trying to tek ovver't'place, I didn't get bombed to kingdom come to see Jerry take over't' Union Kingdom" - Frank Cutler.
A German superstate? Was Shroeder a Hitler in sheeps clothing? I commisioned an artist to paint an impression of a future German run European distopia.
The painting was staggering, I nearly collapsed.
We must get out of the EU now!!!!
Of course, I wouldn't be bothered if Britain was running it, and the eastern block became a red light district but alas my childish dreams are futile.