Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 8 April 2011

image for The Biggest Shocker In American Idol History - The Favorite To Win It All, Pia Toscano Is Eliminated! Pia Toscano reading Steven Tyler's copy of Rolling Stone Magazine an hour prior to the AI 'Results Show.'

LOS ANGELES - As American Idol Host Ryan Seacrest asked that the stage lights be dimmed, He remarked that the night's "Bottom Three" consisted of Stefano "Lasagna" Langone, Jacob "Ebeneezer Baptist" Lusk, and Pia "The Model" Toscano.

"Peaches" Seacrest quickly sent Jacob back to the "Safe Seats" leaving Stefano and Pia alone under the bright American Idol spotlights, which many have said are so powerful that the heat they put out is enough to keep a washtub of French Fries quite warm.

Ryan looking as pale as Keith Urban's wife Nicole Kidman then announced that the singer leaving American Idol would be...Pia Toscano.

The entire audience let out a collective "What?" Boos started making their way towards the stage. The three judges were extremely shocked.

Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson said that he was so surprised that he felt like he was starting to turn a little lighter in color, kinda like Halle Berry or Alicia Keys.

Jennifer "La Tush" Lopez was crying so much that all she could say was "Dammit Ryan, dammit Ryan, dammit Ryan."

And Steven "Lips" Tyler actually put down his copy of Rolling Stone Magazine and yelled out "Say what now?"

The camera panned to the "Safe Seats" and the two remaining girls Lauren Alaina and Haley Reinhart were both crying.

Lauren was crying because she knew that she came very close to being in the "Bottom Three" herself and Haley was crying because she had gotten her left foot stepped on by big ol' "Ebeneezer Baptist" Lusk when he ran to get back to the "Safe Seats."

And Pia was overheard whispering to Peaches Seacrest, "Hey Ryan, are you sure you read the name right? That's Pia...P-i-a."

Ryan, who is Julianne Hough's boyfriend, with tears in his eyes showed her the card that said: Pia Toscano is going back home. Ryan even handed her the complimentary Greyhound bus ticket that the 'eliminateds' (sic) get once they get eliminated.

And so the contestant about whom Jennifer Lopez had said was better than Celine Dion was asked to sing for the very last time on the American Idol stage.

Pia took the microphone and with tears flowing like Niagara Falls was able to sing the song "Who Let The Dogs Out" in perfect pitch.

And the ironic thing is that the judges had used up their one "Save Card" on Casey Abrams instead of saving it when there were only three or four singers left in case Pia did not get the votes then and got eliminated.

So the mystery as to why one of the greatest, most beautiful, and sexiest singers to ever appear on the American Idol stage did not manage to bring in the votes is one that may never be answered.

It may join the ranks of other unanswered questions like what happened to Amelia Earhart? Why do salmon have to travel upstream to mate? and When the hell did Charlie Sheen turn into the male version of Lindsay Lohan?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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