Written by Erskin Quint
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Thursday, 7 April 2011

image for Sound Definitions Prick Up Your Ears

Electoral Roll - Packed lunch at the polling station

Egg Nog - Noggin The Nog's chicken keeper

Crumhorn - Musical cream cake

Profiterole - Actor's salary

Omelette - Short meditation mantra

Letter - Renter of rooms

Yorkshire Pudding - Geoff Boycott

Reg Varney - Manto's brother

Rhode Island Red - New England communist

Nudism - Dism updated

Francophile - Spanish Civil War records

Sunset - Tabloid readers

Arable farmer - Nasty man of the soil

Teacake - Lumbago caused by carrying wood

Sporran - What Scottish salmon do

Howitzer - Colloquial greeting

Marmalade - Mother's been on the pull again

Acapella - Like the England Manager

En Suite - In the pudding

Bathroom - Size of the bath

Heirloom - Machine for weaving air

Frogspawn - Amphibians borrow money against their possessions

Gravestone - Charlie Watts

Malpractice - Malcolm Allison's methods

Rough Justice - Elizabethan Court

Semolina - Half of Zavaroni

Charing Cross - Ku Klux Klan strike again

Blue Sky Thinking - Proposals for naughty satellite channels

Elementary - Citrus fruit tree

Queen of England - Elton John

Soap Opera - Lather up the TV hostess

Wolf Pack - Gladiator's stomach muscles

Dog's Dinner - Boris Johnson

Admiral Nelson - Cheap insurance in Lancashire

Appointee - A point between D and F

Chinese Burn - Ruin the takeaway

E-Commerce - Yorkshire business

Hell's Teeth - The Osmonds

Hindu - Girl's night out

Urdu - Her party

Brain Death - Sudoku

Capital Gains Tax - London Imports Nails

Sperm Donor - Whale kebab

Down Spout - Depressed whale

Orange Juice - Sunbathing Israelis

False Teeth - The Osmonds

Clean Sweep - Sooty's friend fresh from the bath

Chimney Sweep - Sooty's chainsmoking friend

Feather Boa - Light snake

Nail File - Jimmy's case

Walking Dead - Bruce Forsyth

Home Alone - A mortgage

Laptop - Finnish blouse

European Butter Mountain - Eric Pickles

European Wine Lake - Oliver Reed

Orient Express - Bus to Brisbane Road

Van Morrison - Home delivery to rival Tesco

Context - Prisoner's phone message

Subtext - Underwater mariner's phone message

Manatee - Bloke who lives between D and F

Sepia - Go To Brighton

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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