Here at The Spoof we know that everybody deserves love. If you're a lady looking for love, why not have a peruse of our latest dating ads?
Darlington hangman, 42, GSOH is looking for a 35-45yo woman, with a long neck. Must enjoy short walks, profound words, sumptuous meals, loitering around scaffolding and not mind my occasional practical joke, such as kicking your chair away. I am not very chatty, but I am a good listener. Expert knot maker, should you be into that kind of thing. Personally, I don't like being tied down.
Liverpool sewage treatment officer, 34, NS, looking for a 22yo blonde woman who likes rubber clothing, long walks in clean, sweet smelling air, paddling in shallow pools and AC/DC. I am a well educated (a first in Sports Science) athletic man with no ties. If you want to get down and dirty, get in touch.
Portsmouth fish sorter, 29, is looking for a twenty something woman with a poor sense of smell. Looks are unimportant, I can see the beauty in a halibut! I like the seaside, early mornings and nose plugs. I am a clean (I shower five times a day), athletic man who cycles regularly. I can cook a wide variety of meals, from fish pie to breaded fish. My ideal woman is good with a knife, not afraid of heavy lifting and can tell the difference between a cod and a haddock. Call me if you like fish suppers.
Nottingham based sword swallower, 41, recently widowed, is looking for a forty-something woman who keeps herself trim, and would like the excitement and adventure that comes with being a sword swallowers assistant. I would like to meet a stunningly good looking woman with a straight throat, who didn't read the news story about my late wife. I am church-going, easy-going, out-going, po-going, tan-going and under-going gender-reassignment surgery. Call me if you think you can swallow my sword.
Huddersfield train spotter, 54, bachelor, NSOH, is looking for a woman with her own anorak, notepad and hair straighteners. Must enjoy visiting some of England's most beautiful cities for long weekends and have a good attention span and memory. My ideal woman would go like a steam train.
Stratford mobile phone salesman, 22, never married, good talker, is looking for a woman. Any age, any hair colour. Please respond quickly, I need to prove I have a girlfriend by Saturday.