Written by Tawdry Soup
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Thursday, 31 March 2011

A Spokesman for the National Rifle Association has proposed a novel solution for solving Japan's ongoing nuclear crisis. He has suggested that anti-handgun spokesman, Jim Brady, be dropped from a helicopter into the disabled nuclear reactor number 1 at the Fukushima atomic plant.

According to NRA spokesman, Leroy Hickleby, the resulting expansion of the bullshit Brady's been hauling around for 30 years will snuff out all radioactive leaks and smother the smoldering setback. Not only will Brady finally save the world, he'll make all the liberal anti-nuke do-gooders shut the hell up. Then, the conservatives, led by the NRA, can continue to mind-fuck the American people by claiming the other most dangerous product ever devised by man will make the world a safer place if only there was more of it available.

"It's like this," said Hickleby, in an interview with Tawdry Soup, "This liberal tendency to stop people from having access to things that blow up and kill other people is irresponsible. Don't they see the only way to stop nuclear power plants from going off is to build more nuclear power plants? It's just like gun control. Then you got ol' Jim Brady, who turned out to be a liberal wolf in sheep's clothing. He's been out rolling around the countryside trying to stop people from shooting guns. He must be brain-damaged if he thinks the propaganda machine is gonna give him anything but a high-five once every 30 years. The fascist machine loves us. That will never change. Of course, it could if the liberals killed us all, but they're afraid of anything that goes boom.

"It's time to pick up Brady, that trolling tub of turpitude, and drop him where he can do some good. Right down the middle of that plutonium pie-hole. Smitty from Media has an old Indian headdress he hauls out of the closet for the company Thanksgiving party every year. We could put it on ol' Brady before we throw him out of the chopper. It'll look like one hell of a turkey shoot!" he filled the room with a cancerous laugh.

"Then the NRA can go about our business, which is getting more guns in the hands of more people. In fact, our latest PR campaign is called, Cover Your Back, Jack. What we are doing is changing the perception that shooting somebody in the back is cowardly. We want everybody to believe it is a noble and productive way to blow off some steam. Once we get everybody thinking they either need to shoot somebody in the back or that they're gonna get shot in the back, we start another campaign to convince everyone they need a gun to protect themselves from people walking around and randomly shooting them in the back. Paranoia, pollution, propaganda, mayhem and massacre. If it kills it thrills. We are the NRA. Just thinking about guns make us want to play with our pee-pees. Any questions?"

Just one, asked Tawdry Soup, "You love guns and things that kill people so much, what would happen if I was to pull out a gun right now and stick it in your face?" "Well, give it a try and let's find out," replied Hickleby.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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