Written by Gary Potter
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Wednesday, 30 March 2011

image for Big Bang Bustup! Destruction? Nah, another universe forming

Scientists at Cambfordshire University have announced that they are still working on the theory of the so called 'Big Bang'. Fresh interest has been focussed on this tenuous proposition following a dangerous outbreak of common sense at a lecture given by opinionated 'expert' Dawkin Richards at the community centre in Woodtrip on the nase, Birmingdon Boffins claim that along time ago, the universe, where we live, mysteriously appeared along with all matter, physical laws and everything.

Professor Dawkin Richards had this to say to a gaggle of students from Fliptop university "According to our latest assessment of the non-existent facts, 13.73 billion years ago, nothing exploded and turned into our universe."

Richards then attempted to move quickly on to another fantastic topic of expertise, when a 7 year old child strayed in from the 'mums and tots' room next door interjected "That's rubbish. How can nothing at all become a universe? Explosions destroy, not form universe's!" To which a now red faced Richards proceeded to repeat his initial statement, more vigorously, to thunderous applause from his devoted crowd. Undeterred, the child laughed out loud "Ha you don't know do you? You're making it up!"

Richards then nodded to one of his security staff to have the child 'removed' "take this child away. it is evidently drunk!" to which the bleating crowd dissolved into rapturous applause.

However, a few of the students then cast an uneasy glance around the room, obviously recognizing the merit of the child's objections. Noticing this, Richards commanded "and we'll have no more of that kind of behaviour. It is an accepted fact that I said what I said, it is not open to debate."

Speaking afterwards, the shaken 7yr old said "That befuddled man is talking absolute waffle, and those idiots watching are soaking it up like a sponge. A very large and extremely absorbent sponge. He used a precise sounding number to try and sound like there was some legitimacy behind his notion. It is an empirical fact that you cannot produce a universe from nothing at all, and I challenge the confused man to demonstrate otherwise. Even he himself admits it only supposedly happened once in 13.73 billion years! And the more time that passes before we have another 'big bang', the stronger my position clearly becomes. You haven't seen my DS have you?"

The child has since been re-educated by the British Schooling system, and has agreed to renounce thinking for himself in return for being allowed to move back in with his family.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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