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Wednesday, 30 March 2011

image for A New Feature - The Gerry McFoote Exclusive

Today we have the first in a series of exclusives from Scotland's most popular sports writer - the one and only Gerry McFoot

The writer that's done for balanced journalism what Mary Whitehouse has done for nudity......

"You know what really gets on my goat (apart, of course, from not being knighted) - the countless small clubs that are sucking the lifeblood out of the game up here.

Yes, these parasitic little leeches that feed off the selfless benefactors of Scottish football, the glorious Old Firm.

The Scottish League should act now and they could do worse than take a leaf out of the book of Ian Duncan-Smith who has proposed setting up hostels for unmarried mothers and forcibly putting their ill-begotten offspring up for adoption, and in the process depriving these scum of their meal tickets.

Sounds good to me - the Scottish football authorities are facing similar problems and they should take the main man's enlightened plans and apply them to the league set up....unmarried mothers of our game - the barnacles on the hull of the Old Firm, the small clubs.

The whole thing would be remarkably simple - any outfit that is not entirely self-sufficient (i.e. any one with less than one million pounds in the bank) would have their players taken away from them and taken under the wing of the more caring, better organised and solvent clubs that are Rangers and Celtic - organisations that deserve and will appreciate them more and will be able to nurture and develop their talents in a responsible and well structured fashion... without having to rely on hand outs such as Sky money or over inflated transfer fees.

The bloodsucking smaller clubs would also pay the ultimate price for failing to get their own house in order by forfeiting the stadia that they've been occupying under false pretences over the years. These squatters would be herded together or "amalgamated" into larger, better organised and overall more user friendly units and under one roof. Geographical considerations, of course, will be of prime import.

Thus, Arbroath and Montrose will become Ambrose

Morton and QOS will be Queenock Morton and United and Dundee will be known as Undee.

Get my drift?

These newly formed bodies would then play each other in their own exclusive new league - in basically furnished yet nevertheless functional state built stadia.

And their incentive? Promotion to the Premier League?

Not quite. After all, everyone has his place. No, the ultimate prize will be the privilege of a money spinning pre-season friendly against the lowest placed, but still highly rated club in the super duper premier league. Should the unthinkable occur - namely, that one of the Old Firm is featured in that position - then, since everyone that knows anything about the game is agreed that Walter and Neil's charges should be accorded certain exemptions, the latter's reserve sides would be the honoured opposition.

If that isn't incentive enough then I'm not the best sports writer in the land.

If any of the more perceptive readers amongst you are wondering why I am not preaching in my usual affected accent, don't despair.

I've just put my first choice tongue into the garage for its 50,000 mile service".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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