CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Rob Pattinson, the star of the Twilight series of movies, jetted down to El Cabo, as the 'Jet Set' calls it, to get away from all of the hustle and bustle of the Tinsel Town limelight.
He sat at the bar of the famed Whole Enchilada Hotel and Spa reading all about the ongoing mess in Libya in which Libyan dictator Colonel Moaamar Gadhafi has angered his people by placing a tremendous 60 percent tax increase on camel food.
Rob then turned the page and read where Charlie Sheen says that he is a warlord sent here from the ancient planet Winus to gather up all of the non-trollers and lead them to the port city of El Segundo.
From El S, they will all board used aircraft carriers bound for Ensenada, Baja California, Mexico, where they will then be transported in alphabetical order by burro up to the Salma Hayek Mountains where they will all be met by stealth flying saucers which will then take them and as much luggage as they can carry to the wonderful, tax-free planet of Winus.
Pattinson then turned to the music page and read where Kanye West has said that he is giving up his singing career and moving out of the country to Barcelona, Spain where he will become that country's first black bullfighter.
He reportedly stated that he has just about had all of the American media bullsh*t that he can stand and he will now head way, way East to step smack dab in the middle of some Spanish bullsh*t.
RPattz shook his head and asked the waiter, identified as Butch "Bush" Ensalada, for a Tylenol. He told Ensalada, which in English means 'Salad' that he cannot believe what people are doing and saying.
He then noted that even George "PizzaBoy" Lopez almost got his East El Lay ass kicked by none other than Kirstie "Hostess Twinkies" Alley for saying that she could easily out eat the entire Minnesota Vikings football team.
Rob then asked "Bush" Ensalada if they had this type of crapola in his country. Ensalada laughed and said in a whisper that they used to but when the drug cartels took over everyone learned to mind their own friggin business and stop trying to tell everyone else what to do, say, or what polka songs to sing.
Roberto laughed and asked that he would like to hire one of the cartels to visit Los Angeles for about a month.
RPattz was asked by a reporter for Mexico's Las Maracas News Agency if the rumor that he was no longer going to make anymore Twilight movies was true.
Rob took a sip from his Jose Cuervo Tequila-on-The-Rocks, a bite of his Macho Nachos, and whispered that he had just said that so that the producers of the Twilight series would up his salary for the next movie.
He said that it was a business ploy that he had learned from a good friend of the family, Harrison Ford who would say after each Indiana Jones movie that, that was it, "No mas" as Eva Longoria would say.
Butch "Bush" Ensalada has been named "The Best Bartender in Mexico" for the past five years. He is married to the former Adventura De La Siesta, who is Mexico's current reigning Miss Guacamole.