The town of Devil's Advocate in Cornwall was the venue for the log-awaited re-launch of the Ten Commandments.
At the press reception held in the Heaven and Hell Bar to make the announcement, the Permanent Secretary of CUC (Commandments Updating Committee), Mr G. Odd, set out the government's timetable for the proposed changeover in all houses of worship throughout the land.
Launching the updated commandments, Mr Odd said that they were long-overdue for this update in order to make them more relevant to the modern world. He said that people were tired of, for example, not coveting a neighbour's wife or keeping the Sabbath holy on the busiest car-boot sale day of the week.
However, the basis of the traditional commandments have been retained, although they have all been updated.
The list of the updated commandments is as follows:
1. I am the Lord, although if female, I am your Lady, or if a Scientologist, you are my Dollar Bill.
2. No other gods, especially the bonus god for bankers, although Eric Clapton is still allowed to be referred to as god.
3. No idols, unless thou is categorically the winner of that talentless programme
4. For Christ sake do not take the Lord's name in vain, unless it's one of the dozy expense-collectors asleep in the Chamber on a Lords' dabate day.
5. Remember not only the Sabbath, but also the Purple, the Quo and the Aerosmith.
6. Honour your father and your mother by reminding them you're the one who chooses the nursing home.
7. Thou shalt not kill, and that includes the 72-Virgin chasing ignoramus towel-heads as well. Although if the opportunity arises with regards to some of the X-Factor winners and finalists, thou mayst taketh a blindeth eye.
8. Thou shalt not steal unless thou is a banker, estate agent, local council, budget airline or insolvency practitioner, as these are the only groups with government sanction that allow them to steal.
9. Thou shalt not text whilst driving, even to report your neighbour
10. No coveting the neighbour's wife unless it's a wife-swapping party, and we'd rather you didn't commit adultery, even if you do go to a conference with your drop-dead gorgeous colleague who shares a room and just happens to have no clothes on when you get into the same bed.