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Sunday, 27 March 2011

image for Boycott's Mental Message A Typical Reaction To Boycott

Former Test opener, cricket pundit and professional know-it-all Yorkshireman Geoffrey Boycott has caused further outrage with controversial comments on the sensitive issue of mental health. Only days after offending his audience with mockery of Michael Yardy, the English slow bowler who withdrew from the World Cup with depression,
Boycott was on the attack again, an event rarely, if ever, witnessed in his playing days.

WASP caught up with the ex-England maestro leaving a chop-house in Colombo and sought his views. Dabbing grease from his chin, he chortled: "The whole ruddy team will be coming home with depression after that performance against Sri Lanka the other night! Dearie, me!

"But, listen, I know what I'm on about. This so-called Night Stalker, you could tell his googly was all over the place and his delivery was all wrong. If he'd just come to me for a bit of advice, there'd have been none of this nastiness with the pensioners who, after all, have no idea how to take proper guard against leg spin. I'd have got him to practise hard in front of the mirror and get a good night's kip."

Pausing only to clip an itinerant street urchin around the ear, the great man turned his attention to the crisis in Libya.

"It's quite obvious why old General Gaddafi is having all these problems, playing on sand. Sand is all very well for beach cricket like the darkies play, but you can't develop your technique on it. The General should invest in a proper grass strip - grown from seed, mind, none of your drop-in rubbish - and then, if he puts in years of hard graft, blood, sweat, tears and room-sharing with soft southerners, he might become a fraction of the player I was. All this poncing about in tents in the desert, talking to camels, it's not surprising he took to bombing people. He wouldn't have time for all that nonsense if he had nets twice a day."

At this point, Boycott spotted a newspaper headline detailing mass rioting in London, and your correspondent made his excuses and flew for his life.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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