Plastic celebrity news can report that the lovely Colleen Rooney, wife of the Manchester Rover's star footballer, found herself in a compromising situation with the local milk delivery operative - 59 year old Eric Wetlegs last Friday.
"It was all very embarrassing" said Colleen. It had been a terrible week for us all round. To start off with, Manchester Town had lost 2-nil to Saracens and so Dwayne was in a right strop. Particularly since he had missed scoring an open wicket. Then when he put his hand in his back pocket he found that he had lost his weekly pay-packet while coming home on the bus. He was in a stinking mood all weekend as he didn't even have enough money to go down to the pub for a pint or visit an elderly prostitute."
"Of course, I didn't have any housekeeping that week so I couldn't go down to Netto's for the shopping and we had to eat what was left in the fridge until next pay-day.
"I had completely forgotten that the milkman normally calls round for his money on a Friday, and when he knocked on the door I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave him outside on the step banging on the door as all of the neighbours would have started talking, so I invited him in and offered him a cup of tea.
"The bill was only 4.80 and I generally keep a five pound note in a jar on the mantelpiece for emergencies but we had spent it on two bottles of cider on Wednesday night to cheer ourselves up so I was totally pot-less.
"The only recourse left open to me was to use my feminine allure to get the milkman to agree to wait another week for his money, so while he was sat at the table drinking his tea and eating the Hob-Nobs that I had been saving for dinner I draped myself on the sofa and pulled the hem of my housecoat up a bit. Then I put my hands behind my back so as to push my boobs out, and as I did so, much to my surprise I found Wayne's missing pay packet down the back of the cushions.
"It must have slipped out of his pocket while he was watching Midsummer murders. Of course it was a great relief as I now had the money to pay the milkman without having to show a bit of nipple."
"I decided not to tell Blayne that I had found his pay-packet as he would just have gone down the off-licence and spent it on mini scotch eggs and scratch cards, so with what I had left over after paying Mr Wetlegs I spent on 35 new Fiat Pandas."