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Tuesday, 22 March 2011

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The proposed Carbon Tax smells like nothing more than taxing farts writes Les Patterson Jnr

My Fellow Australians and other fans,

My name is Les Patterson Junior. Yes it's true, I exist and I am the number one son of Australia's supremely awesome representative to the UN and cultural attache' to the Far East.

This is my first national communique and I want to take this opportunity to say, I'm worried!

The proposed Carbon Tax smells like nothing more than taxing farts! Sure its not sexy, but how on earth is China gonna produce enough butt plugs to plug the million plus cows in Europe, North America and Australia, let alone the 6 billion people that currently inhabit this lovely little planet called earth.

We can't stop farting! If climate change or Anthrabonic No-ball Swarming is real, then surely we'd do something smart, like say hook up a few solar panels and pay for it without Government subsidy!

Seriously though we can't blame Co2 emissions from cars and industry for all our problems. There's a deeper problem. What you ask? I would humbly posit that the blame for all these Co2 emissions lay with India and China.

I know what you tree hugging, bong lovers out there are thinking. Yeah, its India and China's industry that's to blame. No!

I would humbly argue its all that spicy food that India and China have been producing for over 1000 years.

Think of all the people down through history that have dabbled in the old Curry Lax-ash and drowned it in super spicy sauces to the point where damaging the Dalton is a moot point.

Indeed my dear old Dad loves getting his Chinese and Indian horn-bags in the kitchen, whenever he gets a chance. Most especially when he is on an "official" fact finding mission.

Even he can't resist the gas inducing food that seems so deliciously delectable, quite apart from the other dishes on offer. Yeah, you're with me.

Anyway, he recently found out about a small research Institute called the Wangers Bangers Institute that does extensive research into the Co2 problem. It's up in an unknown northern province of China called the Wan-ki province. Kevin Rudd apparently spent quite allot of time up there when he was a Diplomat in China, but I digress.

Though 'Wangers Bangers' findings on whether Co2 is directly connected to 'No-ball swarming' is inconclusive, their most recent reports point to the possibility of instituting a Global 'Butt-Plug' tax to stop everyone farting so much.

The idea being to reduce overall Curry induced emissions and possibly make a 0.00000000000001 percent impact on 'No Ball Swarming'. I'm still skeptical as to whether the science is confirmed. But again I digest.

I tried debating the idea with Bob Brown and Dr. Tim Flannel on my recent trip to Canberra. Their eyes both lit up and they started giggling like sixth grade school boys when I mentioned it. There was something about applying butt-plugs to the problem that excited them.

I was a bit miffed at their anal approach regarding insistence on a Carbon Tax and moving to a future ETS.

Hopefully if the next attempt at a Carbon Tax fails they will reconsider and champion my 'butt-plug levy'. At-least the butt-plug levy won't ruin the budget!

Even if it makes a small difference, it is still worth it. Granted I still love my curry and other spices in my Chinese and Indian food. After all we must act, otherwise the consequences could be disastrous!

Talking about all this food reminds me of my late mate 'barg-arse' and our mutual love for long lunches of donuts and curry laxash. A dangerous combo if ever there was one!

Come to think of it, it also reminds me of my first holiday to India and China. That though is a dirty story for another time.

In conclusion, say no to taxing farts with an ETS or 'No Ball Swarming' Tax! If we've learnt anything from Julia and Kevin, we've learnt that Levy's are better than Taxes!

So support the 'butt-plug levy' and if Julia doesn't shut up after the Carbon Tax fails again, maybe the Butt-Plug championed by the Wanger's Banger's Institute can have a dual purpose after all.

Les Patterson Junior is an International Consultant and Former Junior Diplomat with degrees in Tomfoolery and Bum-Shinery from the Australian National University. He graduated Johnny Come-Lately in 2000.

Les Patterson Junior's manager Tim Humphries is in no way related to Les Junior or Les Senior.

The views expressed by Les Junior are entirely his own.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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