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Sunday, 20 March 2011

image for Sheen Hits Road to San Jose in a red Lamborghini Toys For Boys

Charlie Sheen has hit the road and has abandoned his debauched life of luxury and excess. The former star of "Two and a Half Men" has got 'blue-tooth', sat nav and a sychronized mobile phone installed in the dashboard of his luxury vehicle.

It has come to light that Sheen has tired of life in his palatial, gated mansion and has found it oppressive living with his sex goddesses and instead wants to experience the 'simple' life on the American highway.

Charlie has taken his little black book of friends phone numbers and intends to look up his pals along the way. The star has made a telephone call to Vernon Kaye as he has been rumoured to be being offered a presenting gig on USA X-Factor; Charlie has asked Vernon to put in a word for him in the studio with Simon Cowell.

While refuelling on the outskirts of San Jose he met up with Richard Hammond, James May and Jeremy Clarkson and he challenged them to a Sat Nav challenge. James May was in a Lamborghini and Clarkson was in a Porche and Richard Hammond was in a Volvo, Aston Martin. He said that a sat nav that told you 'where you had been' was only useful if, "your wife was having an affair." The sat-nav race was hotting up with the four crazy petrol heads racing hell for leather towards Simon Cowell's private pleasure palace.

Clarkson barged into the mansion and asked to see Uncle Si and in a forthright 'old school tie' way told him to take pity and give a job to a mate. Simon Cowell shook hands and he was pleased to see Clarkson, May and Hammond who all went to public school with him. Cowell was a 'fag' for Clarkson and had retained a deep and abiding respect for him since his time at Harrow. May and Hammond had helped him and prevented other boys from bullying Cowell and water-boarding his head down a toilet.

Clarkson said that he had a mate waiting down stairs under Cowell's pleasure palace in the underground car-park. The three petrol head old Harrovians brought Sheen in to see Cowell like the prodigal son. Clarkson cracked Cowell's notoriously hard veneer by telling him that Sheen was sorry for making a fool of himself and was ready to grovel for the USA X-Factor Gig.

Cowell disappeared with Sheen and asked him to take him for a spin in his red Lamborghini. The red, luxury car raced along the Los Angeles high-way and Sheen tore up the road at 100 miles an hour on the road to San Jose. Cowell could not hide his admiration for Sheen and his style and his poise. He decided to take a chance and offer Sheen a chance of redeeming himself. Simon Cowell said that he was willing to put himself in a risky situation and offer Sheen one last chance of rescuing his television career.

Cowell said to Charlie, "The deal is you sober up, have a shower and apologise to the American public and they will forgive you." He told Sheen that he wanted to work with him and have him as a panellist on USA X-Factor on condition he kept himself clean and sober. Sheen was so grateful that he decided to do Simon a favour and get Rihanna to do her Jessica Rabbit raunchy lap-top dance for Cowell as a reward for giving him a chance to make plenty of cash.

Everyone was so happy and grateful that Cowell had joined planet earth again and was acting like a normal human being and not like a Super God. As a reward for helping Charlie Sheen out of a tight spot legendary lothario Hugh Heffner offered to lay on a special party for Sheen and Cowell at the playboy manor where they would have Beyonce Knowles performing a set whilst the audience of rich men relaxed in a hot-tub and relaxed and enjoyed being massaged by the play-boy bunnies.

The deal is on for Sheen to be a judge on the panel of USA X-Factor provided that he Tweets all his fans and tells them how wonderful Simon Cowell is and that Charlie wants them to phone in and vote for the next superstar created by the USA X-Factor.

The three Amigos, Clarkson, May and Hammond have invited Cowell and Sheen to drive around the race-track with the Stig and to be taught "Hot Trumps" by a sexy German girl. The Stig was impassive in his helmet whilst he played top trumps with Clarkson, Hammond and Cowell. Simon Cowell can afford a special BMW with a massage seat but he only enjoys ownership of this luxurious car when he is showing off his new toy in front of May and Hammond.

Simon Cowell was so grateful to see his old school mates and remember how they has been so good to him when he was a scared little boy at prep school and he remained loyal to his old mates and was glad that he had been to a successful, snobbish school which had helped him to be a high-achiever and sure of his own superiority.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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