Written by Erskin Quint
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Sunday, 20 March 2011

image for Isle of Wight News: Puzzle Page The hardest puzzle is: will anyone read this rubbish?

with Goosander

This week we devote the puzzle page to:

THE MICHAELMAS PRIZE "SHAFTER" CROSSWORD

by RECTUM


Clues Across

1 Antelope straddled by Eric Pickles (no tongues!) [5, 8, 4]
11 Nausea caused by Toyah Wilcox in batter? [11]
12 Simulacrum of Simon Cowell in a symbolic scrotum [5,2]
13/16 Cold collineation in an oast house? [3, 3, 7, 5]
17 Don't shoot me, I'm only the Disney Professor of Archaeology! [3]
18 Pussy willow versus Barack Obama [7]
19 Importunate slave comes before defrocked bishop [1,6]
22 Churchill nude in a balsa wood cage [3,2]
23 60% of a half of Wilfred Owen [9]
26 Spangled Orpington derivatives traded under the counter? [3]
27 Fail not to be unaware of a lack of attention [1,1,1]
29 Dostoevsky, Proust and J K Rowling entertain a coypu in Rushton Triangular Lodge: all square at half time! [9]
30 "Norrkoping, Soderkoping, Finspang", cries Ostergotland wheelwright [5]
32 (see 25d)
34 (see 25d)
36 Mr Pickwick's rubber underwear! [3]
38 If Durkheim and Marx be wrong, play on, Msr Hulot! [4,5]
40 The Pope meets Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters [8,1]
42 Punch and Judy man leaves hoof prints on coconut matting [5,2]
43 Remove telescope from Boris Johnson's rectum [8,1,2]
46 George Osborne wins Madame Pompadour lookalike contest in Samantha Cameron's cleavage [6,4,7]

Clues Down

1 Masturbate in public with William Hague [7]
2 Cilla Black meets Colonel Gadaffi [3]
5 PVC ritual in Prince Philip's hip bath wins Queen's seal of approval [7]
6 "0-tuple and milk please Mother" [11]
7 Potassium manganate magnate given carte blanche to mangle Magna Carta! [3,4]
8 Justification for war or scraping the oil barrel [5]
9 Hippopotamus wedged in Senate door [9]
10 Female genitalia in pickle jar [4]
14 Lord Peter Wimsey rogered by Rab Butler? [5]
15/21 "Borscht in Borstal, boy? Brooch shortage? Brogues? Short shrift if ye broach them on this barque! [9,3]
18 Bare breasted female bishops stir up rigid bishopric! [3,4]
20 Bulbous nun copulates with corpulent Rosicrucian [7]
21 (see 15)
22 Pimlico dik-dik handler in crepuscular cantilevering joy endures throes and Rumplestiltskinesque waitscoat tragedies on holiday in Lithuania [5]
24 Mimulus dreads and Judith Chalmers in a laundry basket [5,1,5]
25/32a/34a David Cameron's amazing singing buttocks [3,6,6,6]
28 Baroness Warsi smeared with pepper and molasses [6,3]
31 Clegg-Cameron delimiter collision debugged by Mrs Thatcher [2,3]
33 Naked Bruce Forsythe leaps out of giant choux bun surprising Delia [4,3]
35 Play Brahms to withered capitalist hunkering beneath soft clay homunculus in Michael Gove's underwear drawer: that's the way to miniaturise Shakespeare or Marlowe! Oh no it isn't! [7]
37 Utter unctuous otherness in Huddersfield by Jove [5,2]
38 Norman Tebbit on toast [2,2]
39 Crushed and coaxial, the she-admiral rotates widdershins [5]
41 Proboscis monkey or Larry King? It's my nose's birthday tomorrow! [3,2]
44 Your hen pheasant must fly, Watson! [3]
45 Teleological underpinnings frustrate Beethoven interpreter in arietta of number 32 - another movement obviated! [3]

Six solutions are tumescent. Their clues harbour no definition, but may hint at a reflected nuance. Five others are demi-transparent, their clues concealed within retrospective semantic deflections. Eight others are of a kind: their definitions are swapped randomly within the group of eight, and must be assigned recto-numismatically, by reference to the word-lengths, which are themselves only apparently false.

The first correct entry drawn out of Isambard Kingdom Brunel's top hat by a trained okapi named Maurice wins a copy of "Rectum's Bumper Book of Cryptic Crosswords Vol. 342". If no correct entries are received, then the most nearly correct entry will be deemed the winner. In the event of a tie, the contest will be decided by nude mud wrestling or shove ha'penny, whichever comes first. The decision of the judges, and the trained okapi named Maurice, is final.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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