Let's all get hysterical about some kid who can sing a bit.
What's that I hear - his mum struggled on her own to raise this likely lad? Good. We can use that to win over the bleeding hearts. And his dad is doing time? HUSH THAT UP NOW! We don't want to spoil the Product before it's launched.........
This lad will go far backed by our marketing expertise, so wheel out the Publicity Machine and let's get started. I will do well out of this and may jump a couple of notches on the Rich List, the new mansion in Bel Air with the helipad and the servants is a formality, and the next Product is already being groomed for Instant Stardom. Followed by Instant Obscurity.
What's that you say? I can't quite hear you. Must be a bad line or else my iPhone 4 needs replacing. People are starving in Africa? And dropping like flies from Aids? Not my problem mate. Now go away and let me finish my hors d'oeuvres in peace. What's that you say? Half of Japan has been completely destroyed by a giant tidal wave? Yeah, and there's also been an outbreak of flying pigs! What's that you say? The natives are raping and butchering innocent women and children - again? Go away you annoying little man - you're giving me heartburn. Now pass the Beluga and let's get back to business.
That kid from the last show - what's her name? You know - the curvaceous one whose first album bombed? The contract has a year to run?! GET MY LAWYERS ONTO IT. There must be some way to get rid of her - discreetly. Just ensure the media are fed the appropriate lies - the ones that cannot be disproven, you fool.
Now where was I. The next show is in the works, my new range of Cosmetics for Men launches on Thursday, and I have dinner with David Cameron at the weekend. In fact the only thing that worries me is this tiny wrinkle. It wasn't there yesterday. Or the day before. I must've been targeted by someone jealous of my success.........or am I ageing? Is that even possible? I mean surely immortality is part of the deal when you can afford anything!?!
Get hold of God NOW and ask Him what he's playing at. I didn't sign up for wrinkles and I won't put up with it. It doesn't go with Smooth at all and the camera won't like it.
Hush now, little baby - we can airbrush it. You'll never die because you will live on for at least ten minutes in the hearts and memories of the fans, your name engraved on their wallets in gold leaf - for all eternity.
Plastic Man, with Plastic Values, in a Plastic World you have triumphed, and should be rightly proud. You managed never to get your hands dirty. You stormed the Castle of Power with ease and bought yourself a lifestyle envied my millions. You were effortlessly shallow, you were always in the spotlight, and everybody loved your shows. Shows that offered "ordinary people" the chance to play (for one day) in the Big Boys Playground. On certain conditions.
But above all you showed us that self-promotion is the Key to Mammon. If you have the conscience of a turnip. And the integrity of a baboon.