The first Irish sex instructional manual written by an Irishman has just been launched in Dublin and looks set to be a best seller. Actress Helen Mirren said she was sure it was what the country needed even though she had not yet had a chance to read it. But, she said, "Irish men are the best lovers in the world. They may not say much but they sure as hell know what they want."
Written by an ex-Superintendent of the Garda (Ireland's police force) Finbar O'Toole has strong claims to expertise in the field even though he has no professional qualifications. But, in the foreword to this massive tome he explains all:
"At the tender age of 46 I had my first sexual experience. In those days you had to be married before you could indulge in that sort of thing but I guess I was a bit of a rebel. She was a lot younger than me too and had her house not gone on fire that night I might have continued on my bachelor ways. Sheila died when she was sixty but not before giving me thirteen, healthy children.
As we were poor farmers and shared only two rooms I soon became an expert in sexual matters in order to educate my offspring in the matter of good living. My reputation as a counsellor soon spread and I found myself a reluctant advisor to the entire village. My skills soon rose by leaps and bounds and I was, many years later, awarded a papal knighthood for my services to the community. Hence this book, the fruits of many years as a voluntary counsellor in matters of the flesh in the rural districts of Ireland."
Finbar goes on to give some cogent advice in every sphere of sexual conduct and romance - Irish style.
First of all, forget all that Kama Sutra stuff. There is only one way to do and that is the right way. Get in there and make it work. You are an Irishman. You don't need dirty pictures to get you going. You just need a pint or two and a long walk home.
Viagra is for eejits and shysters. If you need viagra for chrissakes you might as well call it a day and chop it off.
The best dressed woman is naked. The best dressed man is covered up. Working overalls excite a woman as well as the smells of the earth. On special occasions I have often rolled around in the piggery especially when it is raining. Never fails. I can still see the steam rising over our bed.
The best lubricant is whiskey, to be taken orally.
The best foreplay is a good clip around the ear followed by a short speech on marital duties and the sanctity of marriage. Women like to know their men are proper breeders. Lord save us from the pram wheelers and dish washers that some men have become just to please their missus.
Be good to your mother and never try to live beyond walking distance from her hearth because she brought you into the world and you belong to her, body and soul. If she doesn't approve of your wife-to-be you would be best to get rid of her.
Never be tempted if you ever go to Dublin to visit them red light districts where the foreign harlots from Poland and Russia congregate. They are without doubt the most overworked bitches on God's earth and you should have compassion for them. Enough compassion to keep yourself out of the long queues that stretch outside their bedrooms to Dublin Quay.
If you have communication problems find out what priest she goes to and tell him. He can then advise her without mentioning your name and she will think she has been counselled by God himself when the priest quotes to her the very words you told him to say.
Less is more. Any traffic cop can tell you that. "Stop", "Go" are about the only two words you will ever need for any conversation with a woman. "Shut up" is also good. If she wants to tell you about her emotions and feelings and all that drivel that she likey got out of smuggled books and magazines don't be afraid to be honest with her. Tell her, you don't have any feelings and don't want any either. She'll soon get the message and return to sanity. Above all, do not let a television set under the annointed rafters of your house. You might as well give room and board to the divil himself.
If you are not getting along with your wife, and that is by no means unusual, you were best advised to sleep in separate beds. One in Dublin and one in Cork. If she brings her mother around to threaten you for so-called mistreatment join the police force. That's what I did. The old bat will respect you ever after and when you put on your uniform and tell her she has overstayed her welcome you will never see her again. I would suggest you pick a Sunday to make such an announcement. Without her ma's backup you will discover your missus is not as tough as she pretended. This will work just as well with her dad who shits bricks whenever he sees a cop, as well he might.
Remember how your dad treated you mum? Do ye likewise. Never show the female any affection whatsoever. This is the most important advice of all. That will keep her insecure and even frightened, so that when you get on board you can be sure of a swift response. The Catholic church, in my opinion, should have decreed a burka or veil for women in general, like the heathens have, so that their range of speech could be limited and the revelation of flesh below the eyes kept to a minimum.
Show no affection whatever to your children either; and if the young'uns cry at night in their cots do not, whatever you do, run to their aid. That's exactly what they want you to do. They will soon go to sleep when they have tired themselves out. And they will grow up tough and strong. Affection is the very death of all relationships.
Your first duty to your child is to tell him or her the true nature of the world. It is 'dog-eat-dog' world tell them and to never give a sucker an even break. Inform them with cane and boot to do onto others what the bastard will do to you given half a chance and, if you want to buy a used car, go to England. If you are bullied wait until after school when the culprit is separated from his pals and then nail him with a big brick on the head from behind so that he won't know who did it. You won't see much bullying from him after that. You can help him with his wheel-chair occasionally to show how you have forgiven him.
Never touch or fondle your children or let them see you touch your wife. Bad example of that sort is unforgiveable as it warps young minds. Emotional starvation aligned with strong discipline may cause suffering but your sons will thank you later when they have a big family just like yours. Above all, never give your wife presents or let your family see you give her presents because that is exactly how sinners treat whores and it will make your wife into one. A woman that can be bought for a bunch of flowers isn't worth having. Presents make women weak and weak women waiting for presents all the time are not going to do much around the house. Show me a fat, lazy bitch with a filthy house and I will show you a weak husband who has to buy his wife presents in order to get laid.
If one of your children succumbs to alcohol or drugs or schizophrenia remember you are not responsible for their genetic makeup. Leave that sort of thing to Him.
The purpose of having sex at all is to have children and if you can have fun while you are doing so that is nothing to be ashamed of. Any other reason for having sex is a sin before God.
Have as many kids as you can because a big brood is wealth all by itself and makes the church that much bigger. The family allowances help as well.
Teach your kids manners. If they do something clever or say something they think is funny give them a good clip around the ear-hole and tell them "not to be smart". That'll soon put paid to their smart-arse fantasies. That way you will have good farm hands who will respect you and you will save a lot of money on needless books. I am not down on education mind. But what has Greek poetry got to do with real life? Give your kids a calculator for birthdays and on Christmases too, so that they get the message. Keep them well away from the devil's toy... the computer and that other yoke... the mobile phone. Anyway, if you have brought them up properly they should have nothing to say and will have no need for anybody to speak it too. Less mobile phones and such gadgets and more nuns and priests to stand up to them Muslim devils is what the world needs.
The best birth control method is the rhythm method that I myself have used for many years. It may be unreliable and you might find it difficult to find a fiddler at three in the morning but it is approved by our Holy Mother the Church.
Another birth control device used by Irish women is to lock the front or bedroom door or roll a large rock in front of them. Most times your husband already inebriated for the love making he has been inspired by God to do will be too sloshed to roll away the rock or heave in the door. It has a proven track record.
Let it be known once and for now, that sex is the only way for a man to express his love for a woman. Let him have his way then even if you are not in the mood to enjoy it; as you may beget yet another child, if the Lord pleases. If you get a clip around the ear you will know then that your husband really cares for you. If he strays from your bedside into the arms of another woman, then know that you have failed to keep him and you alone must take the blame. Or, he has been taken over by the devil and then you will have to pray for him and yourself too for putting him in that situation. If you make his infidelity an item of gossip in order to get him hospitalized by the lads down at the pub you should know that you may have committed a sin. Avoid doing that altogether and resis the devil's whispers to tempt you. Go to church immediately you hear such whispers and thank the Lord that you are too civilized to exact revenge against the sinner and are not like them Muslim devils. Above all, do not tempt your husband by talking to him or brushing against him on your way to the kitchen and always keep youself covered up, even in bed.
Keep your children near to you always and never let them go. Make sure they understand that nobody will ever love them as much as you do. That way you can be sure no woman will ever get between you and your sons.
Rumours are rife that Finbar's book could become compulsory reading in Ireland's schools. It is also said that an edited version with a foreword by Osama Bin Laden may soon be translated into Arabic.