Sober Valley Ranch - In an astonishing reversal, Charley Sheen has decided to leave his life of drug and sex addiction and return to his starring role in Two and a Half Men.
Here is Sheen's statement,announce via videoconference from his dungeon:
For the sake of my health I can no long meet the public's outrageous expectation that I serve as both America's God of sex and drugs, and America's top comic. I will seek treatment for my addictions and return to Two and a Half Men next season. And I am recommending that Robert Downey Jr. take over my sex and drug obligations.
This has not been an easy decision as the cruel mistresses fame and drugs continue to fight for my attention. As I turn to the sober life I would be comforted knowing that I could vicariously enjoy Bob's drug-fueled Malibu rampages in the pages of the National Enquirer.
I am not making this recommendation lightly. So many are counting on me to make the right choice - the millions of fans, the television network, tabloid news,the economies of Columbia and Peru - and I am confident Bob is that choice. Other replacements have been mentioned, such as Billy Idol and Gary Busey, but frankly they are not in the same league as me or Bob Downey Jr.
Robert Downey Jr., today I urge you to come out of your clean and sober retirement, and return to the days of epic drug abuse and bad judgement. I'm sending a limo.