Written by grimbo
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Saturday, 12 March 2011

Continuing our look at the ever increasing world of political correctness and the many ways in which accepted soccer speak breaks the rules.

First in the frame this week is one of the many entertaining but nonetheless highly controversial modern phrases known as Ron Atkoisms.

"The winger beat him for fun"

One of the classic expressions to issue forth from Big Ron's vocal chords, harmless sounding but evoking images of public school life. This no-no is number one on the Mary Whitehouse hit-list.

"…..is turning him inside out" will suffice.

Next is "…..delivered the perfectly weighted ball"

"The Mother of Innuendo is always pregnant", so said a particularly pretentious writer and the above expression is a perfect example. As the 21st Century moves on, progress is such that we've become used to everything from Chinese meals to flowers being brought to our doorstep - but I can't envisage the days when we'll order organs for transplant at home.

"…..the perfect pass" will do.

"Walter Smith is well equipped for a lengthy European campaign"

This statement, although not uttered over the last couple of years, is wide open to misinterpretation. Images of 18-30 holidays, beer-bellied males poncing around clad only in posing pouches and an exaggerated sense of their own importance.

"…..a squad strong enough for the Champions League" is suitable for our purposes.

"…..lost its shape"

Used to describe a side's loss of formation, this sizeist reference is guaranteed to offend the "big is beautiful" camp and anyone otherwise gravitationally challenged, especially mothers who are liable to plunge instantly into post-natal depression (that's PMT to the uninitiated, but lasts a lot longer).

"…..drawn out of position" is fine.

and finally -

"…..as if stuck to his foot"

A phrase anathema to the P.P.P. (Pavement Protection Police, i.e., Neighbourhood Watch pooper scooper section). No-one should ever underestimate the damage inflicted by carelessly deposited bundles of animal waste on the Axminsters of this decent land.

Please use "…..perfectly under control".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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