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Monday, 7 March 2011

LOS ANGELES, CA - Just when things seemed like they couldn't get worse for Charlie Sheen, they did precisely that.

Maybe it was only a hallucination brought on by his latest three-day bender. He could probably come to terms with that. Perhaps it was just an innocent misunderstanding with his 95 year-old pool boy. That too, although more difficult to believe, might be overlooked, given the circumstances. Charlie Sheen, however, insists that he has been visited by the ghost of long-time health and fitness advocate Jack LaLane, who passed away recently from old age.

The alleged encounter took place in the kitchen of Sheen's sprawling estate home in Beverly Hills this past Friday night. Sheen, 46, claims he had been behaving like a winner all week, saying no when offered any mind-altering substances, and rejecting the amorous, albeit far from unwanted, advances of several female guests. All was going great for Charlie, when without any warning, his life took yet another pathetic turn.

"All I know is I was fixing myself a late night snack. I was making Wheaties with spinach on top, because winners eat shit like that." Sheen says proudly. "Anyway, I was looking for the milk in the fridge when I heard what sounded like heavy breathing. I thought Jon Cryer had come over to fight off all my hot women fans for me and found the one hiding in the broom closet. Yeah, I knew she was in there."

Sheen crosses his legs and lights a cigarette, then continues. "So here I was looking for the milk. At this point, I didn't care whether it was cow's milk or mother's...don't ask why, but I had some of each in there. All I wanted was Wheaties and spinach, only not dry. I hear the breathing, and I turn to tell Cryer to get his hands off the girl. Then suddenly I am face to face with some old dude doing jumping jacks by the china cabinet."

Pensively fiddling with his lighter, Sheen recalls a little more clearly what happened next. "This guy says to me 'I've been watching you, Charlie boy, and I don't like what I see.' to which I answer 'Who the hell are you?' and the old man says "Jack, Jack LaLane. Don't you recognize me, kid?'. Knowing that the real live Jack LaLane had died a few weeks back, I didn't believe him at first." Sheen takes a deep draw from his smoke and goes on. "The curious thing was that he appeared to me in black and white, like he did when he was on television back in the fifties. That kinda made the whole thing look corny, but I humored him anyway and asked why he was here."

The apparition claiming to be LaLane responds with an ominous warning, Sheen remembers as his cocky grin evolves into a worried frown. "The geezer was huffing and puffing as he did his jacks, then dropped to the floor for some push-ups, and finally rolled over for a few sit-ups. At this point, he got back up and pointed his bony finger at me. He said in a loud, echoish voice like he was talking into a toilet bowl...I know what that sounds like...'I'm here to command you to get off the bad juice and start juicing the right way, the Jack LaLane way!' It was a fucking infomercial, and I was the only one he was pitching to!" Sheen appears increasingly uneasy now, as he lights up another cigarette with the embers from remainder of the one he just finished.

"This guy comes a little nearer to me, and suddenly he goes from black and white to full color, like the people did in that movie with Reese Witherspoon and that Toby dude...uhhh mmm, you know the guy who did Spiderman. Anyway, like that but not so gradually. It was a bit of a shocker, and I fell backwards to the floor." Sheen pulls at his shirt collar and stares into space. "I remember LaLane looking down at me with a scolding scowl and shouting 'Throw away the pills and the weed and the booze and lay off the dames. I'm not saying swing the other way, but stick to just one and give the other guys a chance!' I didn't know what to say...it was like he was reading my mind or maybe looking over my shoulder while I did those things to myself."

It was here that the shame and agony of a failed career perhaps caught up with Sheen as he could no longer continue, collapsing into a blithering fit of hysteria. What is known for certain comes from the 911 call Sheen placed shortly after the visitation. Here is a brief transcript of the conversation:

911 - "911, what is your emergency?"

Sheen - "Yeah, do you have the toll-free number to order a Jack LaLane Juice Machine?"

911 - "I'm sorry, but you called us in error. You need to call information, or maybe wait until his infomercial comes back on TV, which should be sometime early tomorrow morning."

Sheen - "Well, how about the number to the Dionne Warwick Psychic Friends Network so I can get a medium to connect me with him in person. He forgot to give me the number when I talked to him earlier."

911 - "Again, we don't connect you to other lines or provide numbers, either. We handle only legitimate emergencies."

Sheen - "This is an emergency, goddammit! I need that number or I will die, Jack LaLane told me so when he visited me tonight!"

911 - "Jack LaLane visited you at your home, you say?"

Sheen - "Hell, yes he did! And I gotta buy a juicer by midnight tonight or I will meet my maker. I thought it was kind of a hard sell, but it worked. I believe him!"

911 - "Are you aware that Mr. LaLane died earlier in the year?"

Sheen - "Yes, I know, but that didn't stop his ghost from coming into my kitchen and scaring the holy shit out of me."

911 - "Why do you suppose you were chosen for a visit and nobody else?"

Sheen - "Obviously, because I'm a winner! He's a winner also, and always was. Only winners can scare you shitless. He turned my ass into Charlie's Chocolate Factory, that's how much he scared me!!"

911 - "Oh, hello, Mr. Sheen. I thought it was you from your voice, but I wasn't sure until you mentioned the fact you're a winner and also the Charlie reference. Don't worry, Mr, Sheen, I'm gonna connect you to somebody very helpful in situations such as this, so please hang on the line."

Ringing is heard as if being connected, then it continues:

911 - "Pick up, please...come on, hurry up and answer the damn line!!"

Betty Ford Center - "Hello, this is the Betty Ford Treatment Center, may we help you?"


Although details are still very sketchy, Charlie Sheen wasn't able to purchase a juicer that night, but at last report, he is still alive today. Some mental health professionals have offered opinions as to what exactly took place last week at Sheen's home, and they range from total mental breakdown to a genuine haunting. Updates will continue to shed more light on this as time goes on. Stay tuned.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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