We have reliable reports coming in that James Bond is currently in Libya.
Previously he slept with Gaddafi's daughter Salome in an attempt to find out more about her father's plans. But Bond was suspected, because his penis was tattooed with the Union Jack - only visible when erect.
Our man James only escaped after overpowering several tanks sent to eliminate him. But this was after Bond discovered several facts about Gaddafi which have no been known before.
First, he is mad. Secondly he is being advised by a secret organisation - QUARK - which is made up of oily characters.
After Bond's incredible escape he travelled by camel to Benghazi to tell the rebels what he had discovered. However they already knew about QUARK and thought he was a spy.
As everyone spoke English in Libya Bond had no trouble persuading the rebels he was genuine and several damsels in distress pleaded with him to join them. There was plenty of excitement as the joint was jumping.
Then, boring bureaucratic diplomats got involved and told Bond he should follow the rules. 'M' he said 'how do you expect me to keep my pecker up with you groping in my underpants.'
An abashed diplomat removed his hands explaining he had experienced a limited life with Public School education and he could not stop wanting to fondle Bond's balls.
The news media got to hear of these events on the grapevine twitter but misunderstood the whole thing. Wild stories about the SAS being held by rebels emerged so Bond used this ridiculous story to carry on his secret mission of writing the script for the next James Bond film.