Hello, my name is David Atticbutter, and I am a nosey bastard that finds lost civilisations and tells the whole world where they live, and then fucking destroys them.
During one of my treks I came across evidence that there is a lost tribe living on Putney Common. Which is in fact, in Putney, south west London. That is why it is named Putney Common. This is the story of my encounter.
Monday 24th July 2010 0800Hrs.
We made base camp at the Green Man pub, which is several hard slogged yards from the edge of the common proper.
The following morning I woke with a sore head, I left it on the bed and went to breakfast.
The crew and I made ready and crossed the road onto the common. Quietly and slowly we made our way into the forest.
A voice rang out; "Will you get a fukin move on!" Heeding the directors words, I upped the pace, took my slippers off and donned my boots.
"You cant go into the bush with high heels on!" spoke the cameraman. And he was right, so I put on my platform shoes.
Hour after hour, we trudged into the mist laden green abyss, the heat was overwhelming, flying insects made meals of our sweat soaked bodies. "Who's fukin idea was it to walk naked through here?" Asked an inquiring voice.
At midday, the crew and I had had enough, so we decided to make camp in the car park of the Nell Gwynn tea rooms.
Day Two: 25th July 2010 0900Hrs.
We broke camp, or rather, some bastard nicked our tents during the night, and moved on. The path into the forest seemed endless.
"If no one has been here before, why is there a path?" Enquired the sound man.
After the director had finished beating him, we headed north and it was then that I made our first significant discovery.
I came across a small slatted seat type structure, with very primitive metal work. The wood was slightly bowed and the metal had decayed.
"Its an old park bench you cunt!" Shouted the sound man from under his bandages. Was he right?
Only time would tell.
Tune in next week, when we have our first sighting of the Putney Common tribe.