Skoob Sports News reporting from our house with some Scottish bloke who claims he's Andy Gray. Apologies for not being at The Bridge, but tickets are hellish expensive. Plus, it's warmer here. And there's a fridge with beer in it.
So we're watching it on Sky.
Pre match studio chat still has Jamie Redknapp and Ray "Not So Butch" Wilkins twatting on about how it isn't right that Rooney should be playing at all, following the Fergus McCarthy incident at Wigan. The miserable bastards.
Fergie says it's a 'must win' for United.
Will Torres break his duck tonight? He's got form against Vidic so he should be confident. Doesn't stop him being an ass though...
Or maybe an arse...maybe I'll eat those words later...
They've just interviewed Nani - I swear he does a bit of property bashing on his days off...seen him, I think, installing double glazing...
Ancelotti talking now...nope...aside from saying he's confiscated Ashley Cole's air rifle, I can't understand a word he's saying...Andy?
I think Andy's fallen asleep...the bastard...we paid him seven quid for this...and he snores.
Martin Tyler and Alan Smith (Gooner) commentating - stick with us. We're unbiased and unsexist...apart from Andy....
They're coming out...Chelsea people are playing that 'Dominator' reggae thing...funny...could have sworn that was originally a Wolves thing...
Sorry about the ....by the way. Blame that on Morse. Bastard. Har!
Somehow, Andy Gray fell asleep on the 'End' button with his big head.
United are one up at half time.
That's probably all you wanted to know anyway.
We lost all our blow by blow coverage.
Lampard free kick wasted.
Superb run down the left from Evra, but Rooney shoots wide.
Drogba warming up.
David Luiz, the 80's porn star lookalikey equalises. (Wanker)
Chelsea 1 United 1
Evra hobbles off to be replaced by - no he doesn't, he's come back on.
Chicharito body slammed by the porn star.
Fergie wearing his St David's Day daffodil. Why? He isn't Welsh...
Drogba still warming up.
Chicharito boots Terry in the face - couldn't happen to a nicer bloke.
Yellow card for the goal scoring porno lookalikey for trying to bum Rooney.
Torres scares the life out of pedestrians on Fulham Broadway with a wild attempt.
Rooney nets but he's clearly offside.
With Hernandez in space, Rooney takes it on but shoots wide.
Bit of a kerfuffle in the United defence, but the dependable Smalling clears. Nani runs into a wall of Chelsea defenders.
Ashley Cole takes a throw in without shooting somebody. Accidentally of course...
Berbatov warming up.
John Terry proves he's crap by trying to run down the wing...before passing the ball to nowhere...
Giggs and Berbatov on for Scholes and Chicharito.
70 minutes - still 1-1
Malouda off for Chelsea. Jerk-off on. (I think that's what he said.)
Drogba free kick - hits some bloke behind the goal in the face. Never mind - he was a Chelsea fan.
The porn star lookalikey intruces his knee to Rooney's testicles. He gets away with it. Has nobody at Chelsea told David Luiz that you aren't allowed to foul Rooney? It's against the law...
Jerk-Off dives - penalty.
Remember Moscow you bastards!
Porno lookalikey diving bastard substituted.
Jerk-Off fires wide from a corner. Chelsea in the ascendancy.
Essien forces a corner as Chelsea press United. Torres fluffs it. Cole drops it nicely for Van Der Sar.
Berbatov and Giggs combine to win a United corner, Cech gathers at the second time of asking.
Fletcher punts miles away from a team mate,
86 minutes gone.
Now United turn turn the screw with some nice work between Fabio and Giggs, but Fletcher blasts over.
4 minutes of added time.
Drogba decked by Vidic - free kick Chelsea.
Giggs yellow carded for a reckless challenge.
Vidic sent off. Second yellow card.
That's it: Chelsea 2 Manchester United 1
Skoob Sports News apologises for the loss of our live first half coverage - it was some Scottish bloke pretending to be Andy Gray who slumped his nut on the 'End' button. This was an experiment in Spoof Sports reporting, and here at SSN - we hope you enjoyed our totally neutral coverage.
More when we get pay per read and HD in 3D
We're not bitter. Cheating Chelsea bastards - still, makes a change from us...