"I was borned in alaska. i can't find it on a map cos i never lurnt googleography in christian school but it's next door to rusha.
both ma grizzly mama and fake-eskimo first dude dad couldn't come up with a name for me so they named me bristol after port bristol. that's the trooth becos that's what mama said durin the 2008 prezdenshul run coz she figered she'd be prez. on account of john mccain wuz so old she figgered he'd be dade soon and she could of becom the furst woman prez.
first there wuz track. agin mama and papa couldn't think of a name so they were on the school track and mama grizzly likes to boast she's such an atleet, athulet oh WTF .... that's how come he got called track. then i came along reel fast - surprize!
then came willow who got named after a tree or a boat or somethin lame like that, and piper after a plane that mama took a flite in. last came trig - she like chose that name cos she seen it on ma report card where my teecher said i got a big fat zeero in Trig/Geom.
now that was like sad coz he's a challenged baby - that's what the docs said we should call him altho mama likes to perposely call him retarded - when she thinks she can take on the dummycrats health plan - she's such a b***h.
what can i say when it coms to namin her kids - mama sarah's got a reel one-track mind ... LMAO
some lamestream media and my hater-frens thinkk Trigs mine and mama did all the let's pretend it's reely me havin-a-baby stuff to cover me. i'm not sayin he's mine an i'm not denyin it neether so there.
so like when she found out during the presdenshul run that i was pregnant she was like fuckin mad and hollered what the hell you done that for you stupid fukkin cow and I'm like Chillax OK i thot i was just like gettin' fat OK. Also i figgereed if you kept your eyes closed when you were doin it you were safe.
But grizzly mama... she then she drug me out all over the Untied States of 'murca to talk about my sin and that I would like be celabit from now on...yeah right...Not!
So Tripp got borned...Mama named him that to remind me of my fall into sin. Fall...trip...you get it.....and Levi got tossed out an I'll never forgive ma mom for that.
levi's like so cute an sexy and I'm lucky he even looked at me twice. Mama forced me on that Dancing with the stars show -said it was improving her image thing - whatever. Man that was tuff...
Now she's got me doin reeserch for her - like i gotta googgel all the stuff on her so she can repyoodiate it. What a loser. Todd said if she don't win the presdintship this time she's gotta go back to bein a reel hosewife. Yay Todd!
Chek out my FB page for my BFFs.....I love deep-fryed Mars bars, fried chikkin, mac n cheez, and when I'm not feedin ma face I'm hangin out on the couch with my frens, watching the Kardair...Kardashoo.....oh whatevr - those sisters who made so much money with their show - there like my role models. Oh I'd also like a boyfriend and I do everything on the furst date...
I can't stand Sarah - she's such a boss and a big fat liar with her fony You betchas - she doeznt lift a finger at home - Todd nooks stuff in the micro for our dinner every day....but I can't say that. Plus she can't spell her way out of a paper bag.
BTW my persnull opinyun is that Cheney's a real Dick.
I plan to run for polytikal offus soon - maybe mare of Wassila then prezdint of the whole entire Untied States.
THE END :)"
[Editor's note: to retain originality and uniqueness of language and nuance, typos and spelling have been retained in their original draft format]