Written by grimbo
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Saturday, 26 February 2011

image for The Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 3

Och aye, loons and quinies, foos yer doos ?

Me and the gang - One Eyed Boab, Pisa Pete (the chiel wi' the list), Stumpy Nick an' Dode the Dreep)- were musin' agin' oan the big safties thit seem to be a' oor the gemme these deys. It disnae seem tae maitter if its the perfessionals, junyers oar the ameteurs, they a' seem to be a differunt breed tae the players thit wur aboot in oor day.

Bit then the Stumpster telt us aboot Meikle Wartle Juvies, who are very muckle looked oan az the Man U o' Inverurie an' District fitba. They've wan their league fir the last echt year oan the troat, the players an' the coachin' staff are aw local celebrities, they git aw their fitba gear fir nocht , they git free hurls tae aw the gemmes in the owner's rear wheel drive landie, nae expense spared.

But dae they git swallen heided ? Nae chaunce.

Despite their superstar status, they're stull the doon tae guttirs chiels they ever huv bin. Oan last year's centenary celebratury toor o' the Oarkneys wuz there ony bather ? Not a but. Althoughs they goat thur ferry fares paid fir them, they hud tae bring their ane peeces an' flasks. Nae poash faculties fir them. Thur digs were leeterally that - digs. Thur tents at Skara Brae wir jist tarpies drepped ower the ruins an' thur sleepin' bags hid tae be held doon wi' stone age relics so they didnae flee awa in the gales.

Apairt fae the exhibishun gemmes they played , they nivur goat a nicht aff apart fae the last een fan they were purmeeted tae veesit the ferst evur nightclub in Kirkwall. Ane o' the local cooncillors hid veesited Liquid in Dundee (jist fir research purposes, of coorse) an' wiz sae impressed thit he pursuadid his cooleagues in Oarkney tae follae soot. And so Mulk wiz bult an' opened an' the Meikle Wartle laddies troopit alang tae sample the happenin' accoardian soons o' Airchie Toash an' The Squint Dreels.

Altho the MW Juvies were fimous up that wey, they stull peyed the twa groats tae git in an' didnae mump aboot the securitee meisurs at the frant git. Nabody gits intae the club withoot ferst handin' in thur belts an' galluses.That's foo there's nivur ony bather at Mulk coz nae bugger kin git invaulved in ony rammies on accoont o' thum haein' tae keep their haunds in their pooches tae stoap thur breeks fawin' doon.

Weel, mibbes some Preemyership loons git intae screps wi' thur pants it thur knees, bit if mair senyir players hid tae gang oot wi'oot their galluses , mebbe there wid be less scandals in the pippurs an' they kid focus oan the fitba.

An mebbe Ayberdein fans will pit up a bust o' Mark McGhee ootside Pittoadrie.

Doot it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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