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Saturday, 26 February 2011

image for Royal Expert Telepathy Claims Some old queen

As the nation runs head-long into another round of vomit inducing sycophancy in the shape of the Royal Wedding, a legion of 'experts' emerge from the sewers beneath Fleet street to pontificate on the tedious ministrations of the royal entourage. Rather than relying on irrelevant details like 'facts', or actually 'knowing' the royal family, normally, said experts, are content to make stuff up and speculate on what the royal party 'might' be thinking.

Now, all this is about to change, as one royal expert through the powers of Extra Sensory Perception, claims to be able to read the intimate thoughts of any member of the Royal Family, from Kate Middleton, to the Queen herself - Meet Eric Daccona, the worlds first 'Psychic' Royal Expert.

We meet up with Eric in his basement flat, in Flange, South Nosbury. It is a dimly lit affair, with newspaper cuttings plastered round the walls and the smell of stale cigarette smoke hanging in the air. In one corner, there is, what can only be described as a life-size inflatable doll dressed-up to look like the late Diana Spencer.

"That's Di" explains Eric "We've been together for 8 years now - She's the one that keeps me on the straight and narrow - I don't know where I'd be without Di. Probably locked up in some loony bin somewhere! Snort! Snort!"

Eric then goes on to outline his technique. With the help of his spirit guide 'Mas', Eric channels the thoughts of his intended target by using something call 'Psychic Surfing' (also called "taking the PS" in Spiritualist circles). He describes it as "Google-ing the spirit world" a technique that he claims has yielded impressive results.

"Basically, Mas, is a bit like my search engine, and the Spirit World, well that's the World Wide Web. In my mind, I type in a search term, like "Kate Middleton +Thoughts +Big Day, and- Bingo! I've got 6 million hits. Obviously, it can take time to wade through all that information and sometimes it can be a bit confusing, but in the end all the hard work is worth it. Guess what I found out about Kate Middleton?"

I take a wild stab in the dark-

"She's a bit nervous, but quite excited?" I say in reply.

Eric looks at me blankly. "How did you know that?" He says. He seems genuinely surprised, even shocked that I could have guessed this.

He curses under his breath, "well that's my scoop gone then!" he adds bitterly.

At this point Eric's mood begins to sour and a frosty atmosphere develops between us. Something is clearly troubling him. I ask him for a practical demonstration of his abilities but he informs me that he has reached his monthly download limit with the Spirit World and that...[Story Continues on Page 9]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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