In an attempt to put a stop to the number of their players involved in high profile incidents of a sexual nature , an unnamed Premiership club has issued strict new guidelines to its squad.
" (a)Unprotected sexual activities by married players with their life partners will, in the opinion of club directors, only be permitted where 9 months from the date of the intended sexual relations does not coincide with either of the major cup competitions or the run-on to the league campaign.
Players with children must take advantage of the club's approved child minding service, whose staff will take care of any unnecessary domestic chores such as early morning feeding of the not yet fully formed homo sapiens, artificially inducing flatulence etc. etc.
(b)Henceforth, only single, unattached males will be signed by our club because, make no mistake, players have enough to concentrate on without having to worry about trivia such as children teething etc..
Should a new player be recruited while in the middle of a permanent relationship, any serious intentions which he may harbour must be immediately passed on to the manager, so any wedding/honeymoon arrangements can be made for the forthcoming close season (before or after the pre-season tour, of course).
Should a single player be involved in any kind of sordid casual relationship, however, fraternisation cannot be undertaken on nights immediately prior to a club fixture, first team or otherwise.
(c)Should personnel intend socialising in any manner which may lead to any kind of physical contact, they must submit a typewritten memorandum - in triplicate - requesting a supply of club contraceptives, which should be guaranteed to stifle the creative juices and eradicate all the passion from the sporting activity.
(This item is available from the club doctor - and it won't cost a packet).
(d)In the case of mother nature proving more powerful than the combined might of the club bureaucracy, the father-to-be should immediately take out a private health plan - once again approved by the club - that will cater for, amongst other things, a surrogate father to be on hand during pre-natal and post-natal duties where the birth corresponds with a club fixture".