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Monday, 21 February 2011

image for Archive: Martha Washington Gives Abigail Adams Some Racy Relationship Advice

(Originally published in the Feb 1797 issue of the The Satirist)

A letter from Martha Washington to Abigail Adams was recently attained and transcribed by our District of Columbia chief muckraker, Richard N. Bullocks. The letter was written shortly after the election of John Adams as the second President of the United States of America.


Dearest Abigail,

How art thou? Congratulations on the recent inauguration of thy husband. There is no better man to preside over this budding nation of ours than he. Congratulation to thou as well. The role of first-lady is of utmost importance to the future success of our democracy. I have no doubt you will perform thy role dutifully.

The foremost task the first-lady must fulfill is to keep the President's mind (and loins) limber. The day-to-day stress concomitant with the presidency can take a toll on the President and thy marriage. Thus, I thought I would bestow upon thee some thoughtful guidance to aid in thy success:

(Please excuse me, in advance, for my candor in these matters: My only hope is the utility of my advice will outweigh the colour of my comments)

1. When thou art forced to attend one of those dreadful state dinners, give John a surprise and don't wear any pantaloons under your petticoat! He will love it, and the gentle breeze coming from the Potomac will make it an enjoyable experience for thee as well.

2. The White House can be a very ominous place at night; upon retiring to bed keep the candle lit from time to time and let the light dance upon thy skin. George's eyes lit up brighter than a rocket's red glare the first time I performed this good deed!

3. On the day of thy husband's birth, invite the seamstress Betsy Ross over to help commemorate. There is no better gift to give thy man then to allow her to work her magic with a needle inside thy man's trousers.

4. Finally, remember to remove your wooden teeth before retiring to bed. The unsightly scene resulting from the removal of an unwanted splinter will cool even the hottest of summer evenings.

I sincerely hope this advice benefits thee tremendously.

Yours Truly,

Martha

P.S. It would be wise not to let President Adams develop a fondness for the White House interns. The long hours and close quarters can get the best of even the finest of presidents.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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