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Sunday, 20 February 2011

image for Up The Buses! - Part 13D. Lady Godiva taking off her clothes and arms! "Bizarre!" says Erskin Quint!!

How dare you! You have been away again! Where have you been?

Continued from Up The Buses! - Part 13C.

Up The Buses! - Part 13C.


FLASHBACK to previous dynamic episodes that you MAY have so shamefully missed, to get you ALL up to speed!


BIG-BUSTY CLIPPIE: "So the first ever Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour will undoubtedly be the social event of the year! I wouldn't miss this for the world. It's going to be so exciting and fun to go to a Unisex Brothel! As Blakey said if you are so prude that you can't let your hair down in a Brothel, then you don't know what the swinging Seventies is all about! Here Jack, I'll put myself down for two tickets too!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

STAN'S MUM: "The News has got out that the Local and District Bus Traction are organizing their first ever Brothel Tour!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

OLIVE: "Yeah and the Chippendales are going to be there too!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

STAN'S MUM: "Why didn't you two tell us that the Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour were going to have the Chippendales? Stan, answer me! Your Sister Olive wants to go and see the Chippendales on this Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

OLIVE: "Why wasn't I told the Chippendales will be at the Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour?"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

JACK: "Stan is not taking the orders! It has to be booked in! They are the rules! At the moment, we are waiting on Blakey to get us another bus! Both Stan and myself are not going either until we can sort out the problem with the Union!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

Olive gives Jack a kick in the shins and threatens to wrestle him if she misses out on the Chippendales! A crowd of youths start laughing as Jack hastens his retreat into the bus, as Olive kicks him again! Stan quickly gets into the drivers seat and the Local and District Bus Traction roars off in a cloud of blue and black smoke.

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)


ACT 4, Scene 1.

Camera 11 is located inside the bus on the lower deck as Jack escapes the kicking Olive, Stan's Sister. It pans from the red faced Jack to outside to the creaming face of Olive as she furiously kicks the bus and bangs on the closed door. Then the camera reverses its zoom and we can see Jack and passengers bewildered at what has just occurred.

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

JACK: "I'm going have to put a report in about this, I should be on danger money!"

Making a guest appearance this week, is featured writer Erskin Quint as a passenger, on the buses, on his way to surgery!

Erskin Quint - 5 Stars for its bizarreness!

ERSKIN QUINT: "Well, this is bizarre. 5 Stars for its bizarreness!"

JACK: "More than bizarre, those women were crazy!"

ERSKIN QUINT: "These bus time tables, they read a bit like one of those Japanese instruction leaflets!"

JACK: "No! That isn't a bus time table! That is the Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour advertising!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

A woman is reading the Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour advertising too! Here name Lady Godiva, a featured writer, who is also making a guest appearance this week. Lady Godiva, having paid damning comments on these Up The Buses featured episodes, is ready for action!

Lady Godiva: "I can't 'get into' the 'other - Buses stories written by someone else'!"

LADY GODIVA: "My name is Lady Godiva and I am now going to take my clothes off, in true Lady Godiva fashion! So far I haven't been able to 'get into' these 'other - Buses stories written by someone else'. So I am here now!"

ERSKIN QUINT: "Well, this is bizarre. 5 Stars for its bizarreness!"

JACK: "Well, it is the swinging Seventies! I am not going to object!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

Lady Godiva took all her clothes off, with everybody watching!

LADY GODIVA: "My name is Lady Godiva and now I have taken my clothes off, in true Lady Godiva fashion, these are my demands! I want tickets to see the Chippendales at the Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour!"

JACK: "Well, I think that can be arranged! I am not going to object!"

ERSKIN QUINT: "Well, this is bizarre. 5 Stars for its bizarreness!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

ACT 4, Scene 2.

Camera 12 pans around Blakey's Office. On the wall is the advertising for the Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour! Blakey is on the telephone trying to placate an irate caller. Blakey is extremely frustrated! Camera 12 zooms into Blakeys frustrated face!


BLAKEY: "Yes, I'm trying to do my best!"

Blakey holds the telephone away from his ear as screams come through the ear piece! When the screams stop, Blakey puts the telephone mouth piece next to his lips!

BLAKEY: "Maybe, but I can't confirm yet whether I can book the extra transport! I'm trying to do my best!"

Again, Blakey holds the telephone away from his ear, as further screams come through the ear piece! Again when the screams stop, Blakey puts the telephone mouth piece next to his lips!

BLAKEY: "Yes Mrs Butler, I will do my best for your daughter Olive. I know she wants to see the Chippendales!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)


Blakey puts the telephone down! Inspector Blake just sits there in front of his prototype Sinclair Computer! Blakey gets out from a drawer a letter he received from the Boss of Local and District Bus Traction Corp, warning him in writing not to get so worked up and also ordered to ensure that team morale was not jeopardized, by clamping down in his usual draconian way!

Blakey begins talking to himself;

BLAKEY: "I must not get worked up. I hate Butler and his side kick, the spiv, Jack! I must not get worked up, my job is on the line! I must be jovial and kind at all times today, to take the venom out of them!"

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)

The telephone rings, Blakey picks it up…

BLAKEY: "Hello, Local and District Bus Traction Corp, Inspector Blake at your service!"

The camera pans into Blakeys face, which first shows sign of trying to understand the enormity of the call, then starts smiling and looking cheerful!

BLAKEY: "That is the best news I have heard all day! You say that you can provide two further double Decker Route Masters! Good! Thank you!"

Blakey puts the telephone down and start grinning, like a Cheshire cat! Then Blakey starts laughing!

(CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER.)


Commercial Break;
 Daz Ultra Advert washing Stan's clothes in a swimming pool.
 Jack buying 'Conductor sized' condoms at the Barbers.
 Stan eating Bernie Burgers in a Bernie Inn.
 Olive basting a chicken in Cooking Oil on a burning Cooker.
 Jack buying the Pink Panther film on Betamax tape at the Ultramar filling Station.
 Olive studying the 'Advanced' Offside Rule For Women at an Adult Learning Evening Class.
 Mrs Butler cleaning her burnt oven with Bold Oven cleaner!
 Lady Godiva buying Esso Blue from her 'local pump' whilst riding a motorbike in the nude through Coventry!
 Stan's Mum doing her weekly shop at International Supermarkets. As Mum shops round her local International Supermarket, she places into her basket, Opal Fruits, Marathon bars, Treets, Trio bars, Bar Six, Amazin and Icebreaker choc bars . Then she goes and puts some cosmetics in the basket, Cover Girl, Charles of the Ritz, Almay, Colorsport, Mary Quant for Olive. Then some cans of TAB & Vanilla Coke. Boxes of Radion, Oxydol and Tide washing powders plus a bottle of Jif to try and wash Stan's clothes. Jars of Robertsons Jam, then some Smiths crisps, Monster Munch, Salt and Shake, Salt and Shake flavoured, Chipsticks, Square Crisps, Jackets, Ruffles, Frazzles, Quavers. Then packets of Peak Freans biscuits, 5-4-3-2-1 chocolate bars, Cadbury's Aztec Bars, Toffee Glees and Jolly Jelly Ice Lollies. Finally a bottle of Sunlight washing-up liquid.


STAY HERE, DON'T GO AWAY, WE WILL BE STRAIGHT BACK.

Up The Buses! - Part 13E to follow soon!!

Up The Buses! - Part 13E.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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