A friend of mine was headlining in a Manhattan comedy club a few days back, and he wanted to thank me for the help I gave him writing his set, so he asked me to introduce him.
While it is always an honor to do so, you have to come prepared with about 5 minutes of new material to do before the introduction. So, I had to sit down and scribble something out.
Two things must be considered:
1.) I haven't done stand-up in 6 years.
2.) I was asked to introduce him 20 minutes before his set began.
So, if you've ever wondered what happens when a comic writes 5 minutes of new material in 15 minutes...
[i"This show is not being filmed for cable, in case anyone was wondering. So, no, you don't have to worry about your friends seeing you at 2:30AM on Comedy Central rubbing your sack on the back of another woman's head, "Oh excuse me, just need to squeeze out... here... and... oh, sorry about my nuts. Yes, they ARE warm, aren't they?". (Find and point out gay-looking man.) Or, in his case, another man. HA! Sorry, man, I didn't realize you weren't (air-quotes) 'out' yet.
I f--king hate TV, and my cable bill is, like $200 a month! But, you know, I have three little girls so they're always crying, "Daddy, can we watch Dora, can we watch Diego?" And I'm like, "Jesus Christ, if you want to see Latinos wasting a workday talking to animals and looking at a f--king map, just poke your heads outside." (pause) Big babies. "Wahh, Mommy said we don't have to watch Daddy's tranny porn anymore." (Pause) Princesses.
Anyone else weirded out by these Quilted Northern Soft and Strong commercials? (announcer voice) "We've traveled the country, asking women what was important to them. (girly voice) "My toilet paper has to get me clean while keeping me clean..." (pause)
Is this a f--king revelation? (BANG!) The data seems to suggest that people want their a--holes clean, without partially-undigested broccoli florets stuck to their fingertips.
And why travel the country to conduct this survey? A phone survey wouldn't suffice? "Hello, madam. Quick question for ya. Bare-handed ass-wiping: For or against? Ya sure? What if Purell was in the equation??"
And I love that only women were polled. Cuz... only women are interested in keeping their hands feces-free? "I'm a man! I sh-t directly onto my hands!!!! See this? (show palm) Last night's steak dinner." (pretend to spit in hand, wipe off on pants)
"More pizza, kids?"
Alright, Coming up here is my good friend....