Written by Mark Garrison
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Thursday, 17 February 2011

image for Eyeballs: Who's Looking at You? - A TroubleFinders Investigation

WEST CREEK - In-head eyeballs are a popular way for people to see, however, a lot of people don't know that these inventions can allow all sorts of weirdos to look at you and your family.

They help you watch where you're going, and have even been known to save people in some instances, but the signals coming from most people's eyeballs can also help them have sick fantasies, and can even be used to help them walk up to you, touch you, or even worse. And all this can be done from hundreds of feet away.

Our team wanted to see how many people were aware of the risks associated with eyeballs. So West Creek TroubleFinder Investigator Dirk Chestrod and his videographer walked around downtown West Creek with their regular eyeballs.

Within minutes, they were looking at people, cars, buildings, animals, and even a mother with her poorly dressed baby.

Dirk Chestrod wanted to know what these unsuspecting people thought about this fact, so he went up to one of the many humans he could see with his eyes.

Dirk Chestrod: Hello. I'm Dirk Chestrod with Channel 7 News. I'm not trying to scare you, but do you know that I can see you right now?
Bill Davis: Yeah. I guess so.

Dirk Chestrod: Well, I was just walking by and saw you by using these eyeballs that my head came with. Did you know that the signals my brain receives from my eyes can be turned into images inside my head?
Bill Davis: What? I had no idea. Really? You can see things with your eyeballs? Wow. I'm kinda freaked out about that.

Bill Davis told us that this information has made him re-think his personal security.

"It's weird that I could be minding my own business and anyone could just look right at me. I mean, I don't want any scary people looking at me with their eyes," Bill said.

Other people we talked to were concerned as well.

Delores Sweeney, the mother of a young child we looked at, was very afraid.

Dirk Chestrod: I can see your baby with my eyes. How does that make you feel?
Delores Sweeney: Unbelievable. Really? So you can see my baby using just your eyeballs? I'm scared to death. Something has to be done about this. We can't let just anyone see things. What's next? People looking at my boobs or my butt?

Dirk Chestrod: Actually, I can see all of that using only my eyes as well.
Delores Sweeney: I'm really freaked out now. I had no idea. Thank you so much for bringing this news to the world. People need to be more careful.

"I had no idea that people could just look at things and see them. That's truly shocking. At least people know now, and they can take steps to keep others from seeing them or their children," Delores stated.

Our team was even able to look at another woman's buttocks so much that we became excited. All using only our eyes and brain.

Many people may be wondering what can be done to prevent weirdos from looking at them with their eyeballs.

Our TroubleFinders team discovered that if a human covers their entire body, it becomes very difficult for other people to see them.

We handed a huge black tarp to Delores and asked her to put it over her entire body. "This is amazing! Can you see me?" she asked. And as a matter of fact, we could not. Tarps are widely available at most hardware stores. It's also recommended to avoid going outside at all if you can, and to only remove your family's tarps around those you completely trust.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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