Written by Inhopeless
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Sunday, 13 February 2011

There has been some controversy about the UK's Citizenship test, which tests would-be immigrants on how people live in the UK. So, we took a right-winger - the epitome of immigration flow-stopping - who had lived in the country since birth, and a Bangladeshi national who had applied for citizenship.

Derek Fieldings vs. Ismail Jabbar. Our UK Life correspondent, Sarah White, has collated the results from both. There are 5 questions, and we have obtained results from both candidates.

Q1) In Charles Dickens's novel, "Great Expectations" what is the name of Pip's sister.

A) Not given
B) Sarah
C) Ye Olde Name
D) Dorothy.

DF: D, IJ: A. Answer: A

"Pah," said DF. "Dickens. He's a communist, so he isn't British."
"On the contrary," said IJ, "Dickens was just an advocate of child rights. In Great Expectations, he simply goes over the themes of traditional text of the time, so some say it may not be his best work."
"Shut up."

Q2) What is the, technically, largest administrative city in Britain?

A) London
B) Manchester
C) Birmingham
D) Plymouth

DF: A, IJ: C Answer: C
"What?!" said DF.
"Ah," said IJ, "read the question. It said adminstrative city. Birmingham City Council is the largest single administrative area in Britain. London is actually made up of smaller metro bouroughs which govern themselves."
"Shut up. A city is a city. London City is the biggest."
"Actually, the City of London is the smallest. It's about 1.6 sq. km. A literal 1.6 sq. km square."

Q3) Where is tea from?
A) Britain
B) India
C) France
D) Russia

DF: A, IJ: B Answer: B

"That's preposterous!" said DF. "Tea is British! Even you wog know that!"
"Oh please," said IJ. "And wog is 20th-century. Tea came from the British colonies, and India is where, and still is, where we import most of the tea from. All the tea in Darjeeling or Sylhet, which is Bangladesh."
"Shut up."

Q4) What was the original name for the Liberal Democrats?

A) Liberals and Social Democrats
B) Communists
C) Socialism
D) Liberal Democrats

DF: B, IJ: D Answer: A

"Oh dear," said IJ. "I was wrong. Still. Nothing to worry about."
"They may have joined the Pansy party," said DF," But they're still comunists through and through."
"Actually, the Liberals were against communism. So really, calling them communists is like calling your party Nazi. But even that is wrong."
"Hitler was a fascist through and through!"
"Hitler was a National Socialist. Na-zi. He was socially right-wing, but economically centrist. Not fascist."
"Shut the fuck up you fucking tard."

Q5) Genetically, is there such thing as true British?

A) Yes
B) No

DF: A, IJ: B Answer: B

"Shut the fuck up!" said DF. "You fucking Socialists have this test rigged up! I'm true British! I'm fucking white."

"Ah, no need for expletives," said IJ. "What you call British is technically a mix of French, Gaellic, Roman, Norse and Celtic. The only way you can be a 'true' Brit, genetically, is by having a family line where just Celts procreated with Celts. And I doubt there are Celts around."

"SHUT UP! YOU IDIOTS! I'M MORE WORTHY OF CITIZENSHIP THAN THIS DARKIE!"

DF was carted off to an asylum. Does this mean that many of those applying for citizenship are better than the 'locals'?

"Well," said IJ, "You need to be smart to manage to get into university here. So, this is more easy than writing my dissertation. Besides, I like Dickens, and I'm residing in Birmingham. I'm also studying genetics, and I'm from South Asia, where they export a lot of tea. It's not hard to put two and two together."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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