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Sunday, 13 February 2011

image for Man Commits Suicide After Watching Dakota Fanning - Kristen Stewart Bomb guitar

A New Jersey may was found hung in his home this evening, and police say it might have been caused by a huge wave of depression caused by the Dakota Fanning / Krtistin Stewart cinematic emetic "The Runaways."

"The deceased was found dead of asphyxiation," said Keyport, NJ Police Chief George Casaletto. "It also appears that he poked his own eyes out sometime before his death."

While the deceased left no suicide note, the reason for his death may be gleaned from his furious Facebook status updates, done during the showing of the movie.

"About to watch 'The Runaways'. Hope it doesn't suck," read the man's first update.

"Is this the raw footage? Will there be any editing? This movie has some real pacing issues," read another.

"What the f--k happened to Dakota Fanning?" he later asked. "She hit puberty and got lanky, ugly and untalented. She is terrible in this?"

Later: "Does Kristen Stewart even speak English? STOP MUMBLING, IDIOT!" and "They couldn't lip-synch to the original songs? They had to record them themselves? This is ridiculously bad."

Soon thereafter, the man began to reveal his emotional reaction to the film: "I can't... I can't believe this was released by a major studio. This is sh-t."

"How can a movie make lesbian sex and female masturbation seem so... icky?"

"I live in a world where Kristin Stewart is a superstar... There is no longer a place for me here."

Funeral services will be held Sunday, followed by a ceremonial burning of the Twilight DVDs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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