Written by Eurocleese De Zouch
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Tags: chef, interview, TV

Thursday, 10 February 2011

I'm sitting in Cafe Noisebox, a trendy new spazz-bar in the heart of Camden, and I await the arrival of the new darling of the TV cooking world. Nursey Bancroft is known for her wild, filthy banter. For instance, when she's cooking with a Banana, sources at the BBC say that it can take 7 hours to film a 12 minute slot (ooh, there I go).

Nursey arrives eighteen minutes late. she complains about being taken for a ride by a Cabbie. "Ooh, I didn't aff enjoy it treacle" she cackles.

Anyway, to the crux of it. Nursey is hot property in the TV chef world, and she's highly sought after. A couple of weeks ago, the press state that ITV offered her a £3m four-year deal, but Nursey is revealing nothing.

"Sorry petal, but I can't reveal anything...which makes a change!" she states, whilst stroking a large Cappuccino suggestively.

"Yer see pet, I've been offered the moon by the ITV, and I'm still weighing up my apples and pears. I'm tasting all the fruit at the moment, and I'm rather enjoying it love, if I'm to be honest.

So Nursey, why did you decide to become a Chef?

"Well, when I was in my last year of school, I was having my way with a trainee chef...He could make a jolly good steamed pudding...and a desert...Anyway, he certainly taught me a few tricks, especially in the sauces department. It just went from there really.

"After leaving school, I started a Michel Crocus's restaurant in Basildon. He was a right whizz with his enormous chopper...After five years there, I got a Michelin star (which I still wear, see (you also get a edible one, but I keep that one in a case)). He was brilliant. I would still to this day, bend over backwards for him. Not long after that I decided to start up on my own...flex my muscles as it were.

And now television...how did that come about?

Well, I was seeing a chap who worked for a TV company, and he put me forward to a new Channel 4 show called "Watch me slip"...a novel new cooking show. From that, I got a one series deal with Channel 4, and the rest as they say, is history.

...and what's next for you?

I would love to be the first Chef to cook up a tree. I've heard that that's never been done before. After that, I'm think about a cooking show which involves cooking on people's heads...I think that's a really neat idea...I can't wait to taste that freshly spliced Mullet...

I see you like to use, let me say...risque language...

"That's me style pet. I've always had a filthy mind. Once you start mentioning ground nutmeg to me on set, I go weak at the knees...I have to take frequent breaks as I get so worked up, and I find that I have to finish myself off live on air in some cases".

I bet you give the cameramen a bit of an eyeful.

Your not wrong...say, your a strapping lad, and you seem to know your Onions...I just wondered, could you help me pull um out?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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