Written by Erskin Quint
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Wednesday, 2 February 2011

image for Robert Pattinson: Kristen Is A Natural Born Vampyre! Kristen Is Having Them Imported Now In An Attempt To Create A Vampyre Queendom: A Baby In A Baby Farm Yesterday

In the forthcoming Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn movie Kristen Stewart's character Bella will be transformed from vapid vamp-lover to bona-fide bloodsucking beauty. In short, Bella becomes a real born-again vampyre, writes Teen Vampyre Sex Fantasy Correspondent, Camilla Le Fanu.

And her co-star in the billion-dollar bounteous bloodlust bonanza, the world's hottest hunk of hot hunky horror hunk horror heat Robert Pattinson, reckons that Bella's transformation will be all the more in a vampishly valid vein because Kristen herself is a natural vampyre.

Robert is quoted by too many low rent celebrity websites to mention as saying:

"It's really funny. It's like a like totally different like environment on set from like when it's like a like totally like different like set totally, like.

"It's like so totally like different an environment from like when she's on a different set and she's like a total vampyre, from when she's like so totally on a different set and she's like not. It's so totally different. It's really funny. She's just so totally pissed that I know she's going to do like so totally really well. It's different, and so totally cool."

Robert is also quoted by Dick Clasper on Celebrity Dung-Spreader Online as giving some really fleshed out examples of the ways that his palely-loitering pal is showing her chupacabra credentials off set as well as on it.

"Kristen is totally into it in her spare time these days", Robert gasped, according to Clasper. "She's now graduated big style. She doesn't just drink goblets of pig's blood in her quilted bed jacket just before she turns in.

"She's gone beyond that. She progressed from sucking the blood from cats, dogs, goats and young cattle, through to feasting on freshly-killed starving Brazilian child prostitutes from the Favela in Rio while we were filming in Brazil.

"Now she gets live naked babies imported from English baby farmers in Rottingdean and Todmorden, in the UK. She bites their necks while they are still alive and turns them into hideous vampyre babes who (according to her - and this shows how far she's like totally come) will live forever with her and worship her as Her Hideous Highness The Constipated Vampyre Queen."

Dick Clasper finishes off with a final thrust, and tosses off in a fertile finishing spurting spunky sprint the following seminal sign-off from Robert:

"It's like so totally awesome and like cool the way she now is, now, it's like totally like that it's like, so, like, I don't know what's going on at all!"

With which we cannot fail not to disagree not to agree to differ from agreeing with. Totally, like.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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