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Tuesday, 1 February 2011

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While I've realized that people LOVE to read funny shit, I've also come to the conclusion that they HATE reading a lot more. So here are some short, sweet, straight to the point, Facts of Life:


- Is anyone out there still founding new cities? Are you telling me, somewhere in the world there's a Johnsonville Townhip, Founded October 2010?

- I hate when people say "Speak of the Devil." So, not only are you talking about me to someone else, behind my back, but evidently it wasn't in a flattering manner.

- If your shirt is funny, you probably aren't…

- Look, driving would be completely ludicrous, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna' avoid using machinery because of some stupid prescription pills!

- I saw someone cite a (false) statistic that said domestic violence is more common in gay relationships. Ok, I'll agree that men are the overwhelming instigator in the majority of physical altercations, however, straight men only have to beat up a girl! If I had to physically fight a grown man every time he left the toilet seat up, I think we'd find alternate solutions.

- How is it that there's nothing better then a hot cup of coffee, and Iced Coffee is great in the summer, but anywhere in between it becomes an undrinkable abomination sent from the depths of Hell?

- I can't wait to write my autobiography, it's almost like I was born to do it.

- If Alexander Graham Bell was alive today, do you think he'd be pissed that land lines have become completely obsolete for anybody not making their phone call from jail?

- No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to say the words "Yeah, Right" without sounding sarcastic.

- If Mark Zuckerberg is willing to steal Facebook from his friends, I doubt he cares about your opinion on the new layout.

- They don't make Me's like they used too.

- Hey Technology, my phone is already awesome enough, can you invent car heating systems that warm up before I've reached my destination?

- Who tows a tow truck?

- It never fails, old people always have exact change.

- Please never say anything like, "I gotta choke the chicken." If you insist on using a euphemism to describe your masturbating techniques, the only acceptable terminology is "Scalping General Custer."

- If you ask me, everyone is an alcoholic, it just comes down to whether or not you've been caught yet. The same rule does not, however, apply to rapists.

- Toothpicks are not a viable grooming option after you're 50 yards away from the restaurant.

- Whenever shit pops off, you can always count on a security guard being distracted by a television to ensure the success of whatever preposterous mission is taking place.

- Mail that comes in an envelope with a window is never good.

- If you're a contestant on a reality dating show, you are obligated to keep at least one of the black girls until the second round to prove to everyone that you're not a racist.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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