Written by Inhopeless
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Tags: How to

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

image for How to: Sell Rubbish Media (e.g. Books, Films, Music TV Shows) Remember: Hope that a million get sold, and your boss doesn't fire you. IBS (TM) won't help you with that

So, there you are. You are the marketing guy. The higher-ups have given you a month to come up with an advertisement for the product. That's okay, right? WRONG. You've viewed the thing. It is worse than FOX News. How the hell are you gonna sell the damn thing?

Suffer no more, as Inhopeless Business Solutions (TM) will help solve your problems. It's literally in the name. Inhopeless. Get it? Because, the opposite of hopelessness is hopefullness, but I just added an in- to... never mind.

Here's a breakdown of how to sell it. The ways are organised by media type.

IN GENERAL

- Babes. Just babes. Wins the hearts and mind and wallets of both genders. If its made for women, bingo. Made for men, uber bingo.

- Throw in some 'highbrow' words in there.

- Claim that the suckiness is just artistic flair.

- Get your team to create a Facebook page and tell them to like it. Also, tell your team to get your product as a trending topic on Twitter.

BOOKS

- Find an author to 'collaborate' with. Just hope that there is someone in the Phonebook with the same name (then you can't be sued). Make sure the name of the 'author' takes up most of the front page. The loser who actually wrote the book will have his name in tiny letters.

- Slap an exciting-looking cover on it. Relevance to the actual book is optional. Make sure it actually gives nothing way about the half-baked plot.

TV/Films

- Say its 'from the studios or director or producers of...', even though they may have just put in a small spelling correction or something

- For comedies, put the best, funny lines in the trailers.

- Rom-coms, have the couple gaze at a cool New York/London/Paris skyline exchanging half-decent lines in the trailers.

- Make it 3D (films only). They'll be too busy to notice the odd storyline and acting, and oohing at the effects.

- For action, make the explosions as loud as possible.

- Get a well-known guy to appear for two seconds and put that in the trailers.

Music

- Turn the noise up really, really loud. Let's hope no-one notices the terrible instruments and dodgy lyrics when they're being blasted off thier seats.

- Auto-tune. Auto-tune. Auto-tune.

- For a live concert, hope your singer is a good actor, 'cause you need to get them to lip-sync with the auto-tuned track.

- Get some well-known producer to add some phat beats in the middle, and the middle only. (Then you can say its Artist feat. Amazing Producer). Let's hope they can bear the rest if their speakers haven't thrown them across the room.

- Pay the radio stations. Just fricking pay them.

Video-games

- Make the trailer graphics look 200% as good as the PS3's one.

- Say that the graphics are for a high-end console. They're not, they're most likely made for a 2001 game for the PS2.

And finally...

Fending off the Critics and Reviews.

Nobody likes them. And when your thing comes out, they wont like it.

- Retitle the film when it comes out on DVD/Blu-Ray to sidestep any bad reviews about the cinema release.

- Create a fake critic. Sony did it. Why can't you?

- DO NOT LET THE IDIOTS GET THIER HANDS ON IT. Say its top-secret.

- Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, and bullshit. Use big words. Equivocate. That's a big word for lie.

- Money. Money. Money. Pay a critic to write something good.

- Get the entire staff to post fake reviews on popular sites. Attack those who say it's crap.

- If there is a lot of chatter and internet talk that your product is crap, state that 'the internet and airwaves were abuzz with words' about the product. Well, they technically were.

Well, that's all Inhopeless Business Solutions (TM) has to offer you. Good procreating luck.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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